Tuesday, July 24, 2012

To Italy With Love :)

Okay everyone - it's official - I'm leaving next week!!!  WOOfreakingHOO!  It's been a long time coming, that's for sure, and I CANNOT wait until I'm in my husband's arms once again!  I am getting to fly commercial (no messing with the AMC flights, thank goodness!) and the Lucy pup gets to accompany me!  Today started off a little on the rough side, but immediately got better when my husband shared the amazing news!  The movers came this morning to take my unaccompanied baggage and are returning Wednesday/Thursday to get the other homegoods.  I have to get the pup to the vet for her USDA health certificate and EU pet form by the end of the week as well as ship a huge box via UPS with all the stuff the movers won't transport (can you believe they won't pack perfume or soap or nail polish or candles?? WTF!!).  Friends want to hang one last time and my family is having a little dinner for me on Sunday, one last meal together before I leave.  I'm hoping my mom will get to take off work a few of my last days here and go with me to the airport!  I'm already dreading the goodbye - I mean who knows how long it'll be until I see Mom and Dad and Joe and Heather and my aunts and uncles and cousins again?!?!  But I can't focus on the negatives; I'm looking forward to what the future has in store and knowing that this time next week I'll get to touch and feel and kiss and hold the love of my life... OH MY GOODNESS I can't contain my anxious, excited self!!

I've got my Nook charged and ready for reading (L.J. Smith novels out the a-hole!), my Nintendo Advance with some Dr. Mario in it, and my laptop filled with a ton of movies, audiobooks (Anita Blake Vampire Hunter, thank you!!), and of course I can always write - hopefully the coach ride to Venice (a little under 12 hours fly time start to finish) won't be too unbearable.  And if worse comes to worst... I'll simply sleep the day away!!

I'll still be writing up a storm, blogging whenever I get a hankerin', and promoting til my little heart's content!  This certainly isn't the last you'll hear of me.  If anything, it'll be more and more as the years go on because I'll have so much more to share with you all :)

Get ready Italy... here she comes!

Sunday, July 22, 2012

My Body...

My eyes crave the chance to gaze into yours again.

My nose needs to trail along your jaw playfully.

My lips thirst to press intimately and intensely against yours... desperately.

My chin wants your fingers raising it for that kiss.

My neck tingles knowing how your breath feels tickling it.

My chest swells with the knowledge of what your heartbeat feels like against it.

My arms throb with the anticipation of embracing you.

My hands tremble at the thought of yours grasping onto them.

My palms scream to press against you.

My fingertips ache to caress your face.

My torso desires itself to be laid across you.

My waist demands attention from your fingers, hands, arms, much more...

My legs yearn to be wrapped around you, entangled with yours.

My feet long to slide against your smooth skin.

My toes require yours to keep them warm at night.

My body misses every piece of yours.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

dedicated to my one and only

Today's media has us all wrapped up in these notions of perfect relationships that come out of these impossible situations. TV, movies, books, and songs have us thinking that the shy, quiet, smart girl is really a secret sex kitten who needs a rock-star or a millionaire philanthropist to drag her out of her shell and show her the true beauty of her and the world that's now opened to her (when it never was a possibility before). Or there are these handsome, deep, sad men out there who've had their hearts shattered and are desperately looking to find that one woman who can put them back together. Sure, I'm as much of a romantic as the next girl, and I'm entirely guilty of bawling my eyes out when I read something that moves me beyond this realm and even more guilty of writing love stories with ridiculous obstacles ending with happily ever after bliss... but let's get real here. Do people really think that's how life is? Is it how life is and I'm just completely clueless here? I mean, am I truly the minority? Do men these days really think the way us women writers make our protagonists out to be? All secretly emotional and brooding, just looking for that one girl to help them break away from their troubled pasts and find their one true love? I doubt it, but then again I could be wrong.

I've always thought and always will think of men as extremely sexual creatures. There's nothing wrong with that. Studies have shown that men's brains are hardwired differently then women. Again, there's nothing wrong with that. This world would be one constant state of PMS if that weren't the case. Hormones vs. testosterone is the true reality here. But people tell tales of men who want you for your heart and not your ass; that want you for your brains and not for how good you give head. Sorry, it's crude, but it's what I see everywhere and it truly makes me laugh. Men want sex - and hell, I'm woman enough to say that I do too! I can wish and hope all day that my husband would greet me with a different amazing surprise on a daily basis - a candle-lit bathroom with bubbles and rose petals filling our giant bathtub letting Ed Sheeran or William Fitzsimons waft their heavenly voices around me; or a night that holds a trip to the ballet followed by a three-course meal ending with him walking me through a beautiful park where he'll bed me in the small flower garden where no one can see us until the sun comes up. I mean - come on! I'm not saying that there aren't sweet guys out there, because I know there are - I have one. But the day he tells me, no honey we don't have to have sex tonight, I just want to stroke your hair until you fall asleep in my arms, I'll let you tattoo PESSIMIST on my face.

Being completely honest, it's great to think that these men of our minds really do exist, but while you're out there searching for this type of man, you're missing out on the real ones right here. They may be flawed, but they can love you in a way that you'll never see because you're too wrapped up in unrealistic expectations. I may have just been the luckiest girl in the world to get a man who I think is handsome, funny, gentlemanly, caring, faithful, encouraging, loving, and really good in bed :) My love story, my high school sweetheart fairy tale isn't all flowers and rainbows though. It's not like those you see being sold on the shelves of your local Barnes and Noble or the racks of Blockbuster, but it's mine and I cherish it every day. There was a point where I took it for granted, but I came to my senses and I look forward to spending the rest of my life loving the same man. I may swoon over those steamy, heated, emotional fictional adventures just as much as the next girl, but at the end of the day, I let my head settle back to the real world and I take stock of what's right in front me. I dream about a real man. For me, being comfortable with my partner is something I value more than any heated, rollercoaster-drama-filled affair. I fantasize about my husband, not some Mr. Darcy or Christian Grey that was created by taking a woman's favorite characteristics of many men and combining them into this impossible being. It's nice to hold-fast to dreams, as Langston Hughes told us, but if you spend all your time dreaming and not fulfilling or taking part right here on the earthly plane, you'll end up with only those dreams and no one to wrap their arms around you at night. You'll end up alone and sad, watching others around you take advantage of the people right here and now.

So, keep writing, keep reading, keep watching, keep listening, but pay attention. Don't get so lost and wrapped up in possibilities and hopes that you lose sight of certainty. Quit dreaming of love and actually fall into it. Quit looking for those men who you read about and find one who can make you happy and love you the way you want and need to be loved. Quit waiting around for that "right guy," pushing aside those who are right in front of you - quit waiting for the one you wish wrote that song that makes your heart swoon and find the guy that gives you butterflies with his shy smile or quick peck on the cheek. Love is a beautiful and fulfilling thing. If more people had sensible anticipations of who would fill their futures, maybe we'd be a happier society. Maybe we'd be more satisfied with ourselves and our lives instead of stepping on one another to always get that material object that we think will make us happy - money, power, fame, possessions. Quit telling yourself that no one can ever meet your expectations, which are impossibly high anyway, and start letting yourself go a little. Be honest with yourself and your hopes, and be practical.

I was, and I got it right on the very first try.

So go - do - be - see - and most importantly, follow your heart. Who knows where it will lead you, but when you get there, don't be so blinded by how it doesn't align with your impression of what your "destiny" should be that you let it fall from your grasp. Don't think that someone better has to come along and push aside the man you've found yourself in front of. Because that may be the man you've been praying to God to make your life so much more satisfying and complete.

Good luck.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012


Do you ever have these vivid dreams where when you wake up you remember every detail?  Those are usually so weird that it's no wonder your brain can't forget them.  They're also the ones you wish you couldn't recall.  Ones that freak you out a little inside.  Ones that reflect the opposite of what you truly feel.  And I hate them.

Normally I try to explain them away to myself, Freud the hell out of what this could mean or what that represents.  But honestly - does anyone truly know what dreams mean?  Maybe they are just fiction, like what we see on TV or read in books.  Maybe they are things you wish you were able to do or didn't have the balls to do before.  Maybe they are predictions or glimpses into something that may come.  And maybe, just maybe, they're absolutely nothing but your brain going crazy.

I watched a show last night before bed and it had a woman who met up with a "blast from her past," so to speak.  It'd been 25 years since she'd seen this person and now she wondered if she should meet up with him to finally get "closure" that she felt she never got.  Well honey, you've gone 25 years, restarted your life, had more children, been successful in business - why the fuck would you ever think you needed closure?  You've OBVIOUSLY moved on.  That means, to me, that she isn't happy in the life she has and this man, this random man from years before, holds some sort of unseen power over her that she allows him to.  Cut him out of your life and move on.  Be grateful for what you do have and don't go tilling up past mistakes.

Which brings me to dreams again.  Last night I had a dream, one that when I woke up literally left a disgusting taste in my mouth.  I'm thinking that this show I watched brought up subconscious memories of a person from my past and created this fictional meeting that occurred in my dream.  In the end, I told this person off in a way I was never brave enough to in real life (and at one point I saw a bug crawling across the ground and squashed it under my shoe - decipher THAT one Mr. Freud... :) I could guess how I triumphed over my irritating pest problem).  In any case... it's annoying.  This person has been out of my life for over seven years and  never once have I wished I could meet up with him/her.  Never once have I missed him/her.  Never once have I thought "what if..." about him/her.  I was grateful when this person was out of my life and I've avoided this person at all costs.  I don't regret the time spent with this person because it made me who I am today, but to invade my mind, into my dreams, I feel sort of... I dunno, violated in a way.  Sure I was masterfully sarcastic, strong, and adamant towards this person in my dream but still... I don't want to think about him/her anymore in my dream state than I would in my waking one.

I like J.K. Rowling's idea of extracting memories.  Your head gets too full of shit you wish you couldn't recall, so you reach up, take it out, bottle it up, and pack it away for a teaching moment later down the line.  The only reason that I value the memories I have with/of this person is because I'll be able to relate to a similar situation if one of my future children ever experiences these types of scenarios (which so help me God if they do I'll rip my hair out because no one should have to go through what I did!) - but if they must, I can help.  I can relate.  It's good for parents to have a plethora of long ago moments and life choices to help their own offspring grow and develop and determine what they want their lives to be like in comparison to their parents.

Anyway - I'm getting off topic.  The topic being, what's the point of rehashing the past?  Why, when we feel most content with our lives, does our brain throw us a curve ball?  Why must our dreams affect our conscious  life?  I'm not saying I don't relish the idea of a steamy dream sequence with my amazing, sexy husband while he's 4800 miles away... c'mon now!  I'm just saying, these dreams they bring up thoughts and feelings that you've long ago filed away and have no intention of reliving.  I don't regret that part, but I certainly don't want to think about it just because it's Tuesday.  It's annoying.  It's tiring.  It's confusing.  It's hurtful.  And I'd much rather it stay buried in the recesses of mind rather than the forefront of my thoughts.

Bring on heavy rock music to wash it back away...
Only in times like these do I wish I drank.