Saturday, July 14, 2012
dedicated to my one and only
Today's media has us all wrapped up in these notions of perfect relationships that come out of these impossible situations. TV, movies, books, and songs have us thinking that the shy, quiet, smart girl is really a secret sex kitten who needs a rock-star or a millionaire philanthropist to drag her out of her shell and show her the true beauty of her and the world that's now opened to her (when it never was a possibility before). Or there are these handsome, deep, sad men out there who've had their hearts shattered and are desperately looking to find that one woman who can put them back together. Sure, I'm as much of a romantic as the next girl, and I'm entirely guilty of bawling my eyes out when I read something that moves me beyond this realm and even more guilty of writing love stories with ridiculous obstacles ending with happily ever after bliss... but let's get real here. Do people really think that's how life is? Is it how life is and I'm just completely clueless here? I mean, am I truly the minority? Do men these days really think the way us women writers make our protagonists out to be? All secretly emotional and brooding, just looking for that one girl to help them break away from their troubled pasts and find their one true love? I doubt it, but then again I could be wrong.
I've always thought and always will think of men as extremely sexual creatures. There's nothing wrong with that. Studies have shown that men's brains are hardwired differently then women. Again, there's nothing wrong with that. This world would be one constant state of PMS if that weren't the case. Hormones vs. testosterone is the true reality here. But people tell tales of men who want you for your heart and not your ass; that want you for your brains and not for how good you give head. Sorry, it's crude, but it's what I see everywhere and it truly makes me laugh. Men want sex - and hell, I'm woman enough to say that I do too! I can wish and hope all day that my husband would greet me with a different amazing surprise on a daily basis - a candle-lit bathroom with bubbles and rose petals filling our giant bathtub letting Ed Sheeran or William Fitzsimons waft their heavenly voices around me; or a night that holds a trip to the ballet followed by a three-course meal ending with him walking me through a beautiful park where he'll bed me in the small flower garden where no one can see us until the sun comes up. I mean - come on! I'm not saying that there aren't sweet guys out there, because I know there are - I have one. But the day he tells me, no honey we don't have to have sex tonight, I just want to stroke your hair until you fall asleep in my arms, I'll let you tattoo PESSIMIST on my face.
Being completely honest, it's great to think that these men of our minds really do exist, but while you're out there searching for this type of man, you're missing out on the real ones right here. They may be flawed, but they can love you in a way that you'll never see because you're too wrapped up in unrealistic expectations. I may have just been the luckiest girl in the world to get a man who I think is handsome, funny, gentlemanly, caring, faithful, encouraging, loving, and really good in bed :) My love story, my high school sweetheart fairy tale isn't all flowers and rainbows though. It's not like those you see being sold on the shelves of your local Barnes and Noble or the racks of Blockbuster, but it's mine and I cherish it every day. There was a point where I took it for granted, but I came to my senses and I look forward to spending the rest of my life loving the same man. I may swoon over those steamy, heated, emotional fictional adventures just as much as the next girl, but at the end of the day, I let my head settle back to the real world and I take stock of what's right in front me. I dream about a real man. For me, being comfortable with my partner is something I value more than any heated, rollercoaster-drama-filled affair. I fantasize about my husband, not some Mr. Darcy or Christian Grey that was created by taking a woman's favorite characteristics of many men and combining them into this impossible being. It's nice to hold-fast to dreams, as Langston Hughes told us, but if you spend all your time dreaming and not fulfilling or taking part right here on the earthly plane, you'll end up with only those dreams and no one to wrap their arms around you at night. You'll end up alone and sad, watching others around you take advantage of the people right here and now.
So, keep writing, keep reading, keep watching, keep listening, but pay attention. Don't get so lost and wrapped up in possibilities and hopes that you lose sight of certainty. Quit dreaming of love and actually fall into it. Quit looking for those men who you read about and find one who can make you happy and love you the way you want and need to be loved. Quit waiting around for that "right guy," pushing aside those who are right in front of you - quit waiting for the one you wish wrote that song that makes your heart swoon and find the guy that gives you butterflies with his shy smile or quick peck on the cheek. Love is a beautiful and fulfilling thing. If more people had sensible anticipations of who would fill their futures, maybe we'd be a happier society. Maybe we'd be more satisfied with ourselves and our lives instead of stepping on one another to always get that material object that we think will make us happy - money, power, fame, possessions. Quit telling yourself that no one can ever meet your expectations, which are impossibly high anyway, and start letting yourself go a little. Be honest with yourself and your hopes, and be practical.
I was, and I got it right on the very first try.
So go - do - be - see - and most importantly, follow your heart. Who knows where it will lead you, but when you get there, don't be so blinded by how it doesn't align with your impression of what your "destiny" should be that you let it fall from your grasp. Don't think that someone better has to come along and push aside the man you've found yourself in front of. Because that may be the man you've been praying to God to make your life so much more satisfying and complete.