Tuesday, July 3, 2012


Do you ever have these vivid dreams where when you wake up you remember every detail?  Those are usually so weird that it's no wonder your brain can't forget them.  They're also the ones you wish you couldn't recall.  Ones that freak you out a little inside.  Ones that reflect the opposite of what you truly feel.  And I hate them.

Normally I try to explain them away to myself, Freud the hell out of what this could mean or what that represents.  But honestly - does anyone truly know what dreams mean?  Maybe they are just fiction, like what we see on TV or read in books.  Maybe they are things you wish you were able to do or didn't have the balls to do before.  Maybe they are predictions or glimpses into something that may come.  And maybe, just maybe, they're absolutely nothing but your brain going crazy.

I watched a show last night before bed and it had a woman who met up with a "blast from her past," so to speak.  It'd been 25 years since she'd seen this person and now she wondered if she should meet up with him to finally get "closure" that she felt she never got.  Well honey, you've gone 25 years, restarted your life, had more children, been successful in business - why the fuck would you ever think you needed closure?  You've OBVIOUSLY moved on.  That means, to me, that she isn't happy in the life she has and this man, this random man from years before, holds some sort of unseen power over her that she allows him to.  Cut him out of your life and move on.  Be grateful for what you do have and don't go tilling up past mistakes.

Which brings me to dreams again.  Last night I had a dream, one that when I woke up literally left a disgusting taste in my mouth.  I'm thinking that this show I watched brought up subconscious memories of a person from my past and created this fictional meeting that occurred in my dream.  In the end, I told this person off in a way I was never brave enough to in real life (and at one point I saw a bug crawling across the ground and squashed it under my shoe - decipher THAT one Mr. Freud... :) I could guess how I triumphed over my irritating pest problem).  In any case... it's annoying.  This person has been out of my life for over seven years and  never once have I wished I could meet up with him/her.  Never once have I missed him/her.  Never once have I thought "what if..." about him/her.  I was grateful when this person was out of my life and I've avoided this person at all costs.  I don't regret the time spent with this person because it made me who I am today, but to invade my mind, into my dreams, I feel sort of... I dunno, violated in a way.  Sure I was masterfully sarcastic, strong, and adamant towards this person in my dream but still... I don't want to think about him/her anymore in my dream state than I would in my waking one.

I like J.K. Rowling's idea of extracting memories.  Your head gets too full of shit you wish you couldn't recall, so you reach up, take it out, bottle it up, and pack it away for a teaching moment later down the line.  The only reason that I value the memories I have with/of this person is because I'll be able to relate to a similar situation if one of my future children ever experiences these types of scenarios (which so help me God if they do I'll rip my hair out because no one should have to go through what I did!) - but if they must, I can help.  I can relate.  It's good for parents to have a plethora of long ago moments and life choices to help their own offspring grow and develop and determine what they want their lives to be like in comparison to their parents.

Anyway - I'm getting off topic.  The topic being, what's the point of rehashing the past?  Why, when we feel most content with our lives, does our brain throw us a curve ball?  Why must our dreams affect our conscious  life?  I'm not saying I don't relish the idea of a steamy dream sequence with my amazing, sexy husband while he's 4800 miles away... c'mon now!  I'm just saying, these dreams they bring up thoughts and feelings that you've long ago filed away and have no intention of reliving.  I don't regret that part, but I certainly don't want to think about it just because it's Tuesday.  It's annoying.  It's tiring.  It's confusing.  It's hurtful.  And I'd much rather it stay buried in the recesses of mind rather than the forefront of my thoughts.

Bring on heavy rock music to wash it back away...
Only in times like these do I wish I drank.

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