Saturday, March 22, 2014


So I'm currently supposed to be packing... my mother is moving and I've graciously volunteered to be her moving service, even extended my stay to help out.  But all I wanna do is write and read.  Isn't that funny how when I've got all the time in the world to create I don't want to, but the second I have to dedicate my time to something substantial, all I wanna do is sit around and write.  Anywho... hope you enjoy this because it's certainly helping me to delay the inevitable :)

          With a slight twist of her head, she caught the guy at the next table staring at her.  She allowed herself a small smile at his expense, especially when he fumbled with himself to act as if he hadn't been watching her.  She reached for her steaming cup of tea and took a quick sip, allowing it's heat to warm her, seeings how the cold winter wind was in fierce force that day.  She enjoyed it when men stared.  She knew she had beautiful features about her: dark chestnut hair to her waist, big green eyes, glorious white teeth, plump, inviting lips, a long slender neck.  She didn't let it get to her head, but she knew that she was the object of many men's affection.
          She chanced another glance in his direction and although he wasn't looking at her that time, she could see the struggle on his face, she assumed with whether or not to come and ask to join her in her solitary state.  She managed an internal laugh, because she was anything but solitary.  With that thought, a warm, heavy hand was placed on her shoulder, dragging her out of her own head and smiling up at the gorgeous face that was the owner of that welcome touch.
          He leaned down and placed a soft kiss on her lips, one she felt was too short lived, before sitting across from her.
          "Why'd you choose to sit outside today?" he asked as he wrapped his coat and arms closer to his slightly shivering body.
          That brought a bigger smile to her face, "Why not?" she responded.
          He craned his neck, searching for a waitress and almost as if on cue, she emerged from inside the little cafe with a tray carrying a large cup of coffee.
          "Here's your usual," she mumbled as she placed the hot ceramic mug on the table in front of him.
          He managed a small, "Thank you," as she fluttered off and he brought the welcome liquid to his lips.
          She watched his every move: the way his fingers maneuvered through the tiny handle, his eyes as they focused intently on closing the distance between him and his mug, his lips as they parted and accepted the warmness against his tongue.  It was all she could do not to rip the cup away and wish it was her he was focused on so intently.  Another laugh rose to the surface, this one outward, and his eyes curiously darted up to her.
          "What's so funny?" he asked, an unknowing smile playing at his lips too.
          She let out a puff of semi-frustrated air and teased, "Oh nothing... just wishing I was that coffee right now."
          He let the smile take surface on his face as he set the mug down and reached across the table for her.  She mirrored him, giving him her open hands and allowing him to latch onto her.
          "Well let's get out of here then," he whispered, intensity overtaking his features, a smoldering passion immediately igniting in his gaze.
          She needed no other convincing, reaching for her wallet and being quickly scolded by him.
          "Seriously?" he mumbled, pulling out a ten and sliding it under his still-filled cup.
          She chuckled, knowing the move to pay for herself had been futile, but still attempting to show him that she was capable of taking care of herself.
          When they'd risen and began their walk to her apartment around the corner, she comfortably slipped her arm through his; it was a motion she did automatically, any excuse to touch him something they were both okay with.  The action pulled his thoughts only to her and while they moved forward, he turned his head slightly and placed a light kiss on the top of her head.
          She smiled, though he couldn't really see it, and nuzzled against him.  She was one of those people who could suddenly be overcome with an overflowing emotional response to the smallest actions.  Most of her moments with him always brought her happiness.  Right then, in that moment, something so simple, that light kiss, that small graze of his skin against hers, it was her version of perfection.  Not that she shied away from other encounters with him, ones that she hoped they'd be experiencing very soon and many more times throughout the evening, but the little things were what mattered the most to her: how he woke her with a gentle stroke of her cheek; the slight glance in her direction just to watch the smile appear on her face, one that he probably put there; the softest brush of elbows as they sat beside each other on the train; the tiny kisses he placed on each of the freckles along the bridge of her nose.
          When they reached her building, she led him inside, eagerly awaiting the moment when they would get to focus on one another in a much more intimate setting.  His face bore every emotion floating through him, every intention he had for her and she craved him in every way.  As the door to her apartment shut behind them, the possibilities were endless and only the two of them would ever know those sides of each other.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

feelings and stuff

          I had quite the shitty day yesterday; well actually it was just about 20 minutes of yesterday that was shitty.  Isn't that weird?  How your entire day can be fine, save for a few choice minutes, and you automatically erase the goodness and let the badness take it over... Nonetheless, I broke down and had a moment.  One of many moments I've had throughout my life where I'm overcome with frustration and anger and annoyance and my tear ducts react by sending me into unstoppable crying.  This wasn't the violent, sob-filled bawling or anything, but it was enough that once it started, it just kept coming.  It felt good to unload that, as if I'd been unknowingly holding it in for who knows how long - I just hate that it always has to burden my loved ones.  I know that they are there for me for this exact reason, well for many reasons, this is just one.  But here I am, an ocean away, by choice mind you, from my husband, and we're having a perfectly fine conversation and then I just turn.  I allow my own insecurities and anger and unhappiness with one particular aspect of my life to consume me so wholly that I just explode it all over him.  As always he's understanding and caring and calm and loving and gentle with me, still firm that to accomplish what I've set out for myself takes hard work and harder work, but he tries to get where I'm coming from.  The overall feeling was definitely that of frustration and looking back on it today I realize, as I often do the morning after an emotional outburst, that I probably overreacted.  I dunno if it's because I'm the "feely" type, which I totally am, or if it's because I'm weak-willed or easily breakable or overly-expectant but when it comes to changing ME, I always feel so incompetent.
          I've experienced hard things in my life, but for whatever reason, weight loss and lifestyle change is a difficult one.  I'm still making progress - I don't think I've hit a plateau, and I hope to stay on the path of success here, but I feel like nothing about me has changed.  Okay, the obvious, OBVIOUSLY - the fact that I can last for a solid thirty minutes of jogging, I can limit my caloric intake to under 1500 a day, I feel a little more defined (biceps, calves, core - inner not outter)... but that's it.  I don't see a difference and when I think too hard on what I do to myself every day, I immediately hate it.  I DO NOT enjoy physical activity One. Freaking. Bit.  I do not think, "Holy shit that was an amazing workout!  I feel so great!" ever.  EVER.  I KNOW it's only been 3 months, I get that, and there's no written rule that says you HAVE to love being fit and healthy, but I don't know a single person who is fit and healthy that seriously doesn't enjoy it.  It's not even that what I'm doing is too painful or hard or long.  I know I CAN lift that weight or jog those miles or pull on that rowing machine or do those Russian twists... I don't mind the struggle or the pain behind what I'm doing.  I hate the act of doing it.  I feel like I'm wasting precious moments of my life doing something I thoroughly do not enjoy.  I feel like my efforts will not be enough.  I feel like it's gonna take me ten years to get where I want, and then when I do, it'll be time for babies and all that weight will come right back.  And then what was that struggle and effort and time for?
          I know I sound like a whiny brat, I get that.  I hate people like me in this moment, but I'm sure I'm not the only one out there who absolutely loathes fitting a workout into Every. Single. Day.  I'm sure I'm not the only one who's capable of limiting her food intake, but still starving when her head hits the pillow at night.  I'm sure I'm not the only one who wishes that it came easier.  Again, this isn't for pity... it's for those of you who may be in the same boat as me.  Thinking that no one can possibly understand the utter distaste left in your mouth after cardio.  Those of you who think that lifting that kettlebell is one more swing that will amount to nothing in the end.  Those of you who, even though you may see a slight difference in the fit of your jeans, still only see rolls and fat and flab and thickness everywhere you look.  I understand.  I know this takes time, trust me, and I've lost weight in these past three months, I have, but it's not even about the weight in this moment.  It's about the fact that no matter what I try, I hate it.  Even when I know I feel those endorphins kicking in, when I do manage a small smile at the accomplishment I've made, it's not for the act of what I'm doing, it's simply because I got through it and it's over.
          Ugh.  Okay, I'm done.  I'm over it.  I'll move on and get through it.  I have no intentions of quitting, I will make my goal weight, no matter the hatred I have for getting there... so this complaining is entirely futile, I realize.

In other news... I have started writing out loud again!!  It's so weird where inspiration can come from.  I was watching some random detective drama on TV, passing the time while dinner was cooking, and there was this scene where this couple's daughter had been kidnapped.  The mother was crying and trying to tell the detective details she was asking for, and then it just became too much for her.  She turned into her husband, and looked up at him and he gently touched her cheek, conveying buckets of emotion, particularly love, so strongly in just that tiny touch and it rocked me a bit.  Kudos for that actor guy there, but seriously, the show of love, of adoration and affection in just a simple touch.  And the way she melted into it and fell into him entirely, it was incredible.  And I sat there thinking, wow... that's something I hope to achieve with my writing one day.  And just like that, I was up, grabbing my computer and typing away.  I've been jotting things down here and there over the past few months, as I said I would in my 2014 to-do list, but this was the first time I devoted an entire evening to my world.  And then it came again the next evening and the next.  Now, when I'm not reading someone else's world, I'm constantly thinking about MY story.  It's nice to feel that again.  Speaking of which... I've dedicated entirely too much time feeling sorry for myself in this post so, I'm outtie.  Got some supernatural creatures to go attend to.

Until next time...

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Knitted Presents for ALL

In my family, February and March are filled with holidays and birthdays!  I struggle every year to do something fun and new and different, so naturally, they've come to expect it.  Now that I'm a pretty regular knitter, requests have begun rolling in!  A headband with a bow for one person, fingerless gloves for another.  My brother requested Dr. Who themed something and an awesome sweater vest.  I knew I had my work cut out for me, and my first stop had to be ravelry!

I started with the gloves, and found a fantastic pattern that I knew my family member would adore:

Button Flap Fingerless Mittens

With a small adjustment of course: adding individual finger separations, but maintaining this same overall design.  So I searched for fingerless gloves, none in particular, and combined the two patterns.  I followed the steps all the way to the thumb hole, and then following the same basic stockinette stitch pattern (in the round of course), I added an extended, covered, but ultimately open-ended thumb.  Then, I did the same thing when I got to the fingers opening.  I will tell you that knitting individual fingerless holes is a pain in the ass, but the end product looked pretty good, in my opinion ;)

Ultimately, I think these ended up looking too bulky for my
taste, but it was exactly what she wanted.  I used a multi-
colored grey/black wool yarn that I picked up for pretty
cheap at Walmart (Lion Brand, I think!)

The next job was the headband.  Now... unfortunately, I don't remember where I found the pattern :( But it was pretty easy and there seem to be an abundance of patterns very similar to this on ravelry and all over the internet.  I'm still new at blogging about my knitting, so I have adjustments to make, but I will make more of an effort from here on out to track every step in my process!!  Here is a pic of the end result (pardon my chubby face and the crappy cell phone quality)!

The next undertaking was the vest.  I spent a very long time finding just the right pattern and style for my brother, but thanks to my tried and true friend (pssst... that means ravelry), I did find something that was both challenging and looked great!

HERE is the direct link to the pattern, because it takes some searching to find this exact one.  That being said, the original creator is Japanese so there are a few little inconsistencies and confusions.  And note that this is done almost entirely by chart so this would really help you learn how to read one, if you're up for the task!  Hopefully I can enlighten here and help you out somewhat:

First - I hardly ever use the yarn and size that a pattern says.  I kinda just do my own thing and gauge as I go along to make sure that everything is working fine.  I'm a rebel, what can I say.
Second - an "armscye"? If looking at the front of the vest, it's the area that starts at the armpit and curves inward up to the top of the shoulder.
Third - the "strip" that goes from the waist, up the chest, around the shoulders, and down the other side which houses the buttons and buttonholes... that's done after everything else has been knitted.  You will be picking up stitches along the edges of your work and knitting onto what you've already completed.  That took me some real figuring out to understand that.
Fourth - I didn't really follow the decreases because they are massively confusing (to me) in the way they are written.  Instead, I looked at the overall stitch numbers and decreased as evenly as I could.  For example:  looking at the back panel.

Hopefully this helps in some way with knitting the vest!  If you have any questions, please ask and I'll do my best to help.  I certainly am not perfect and learn something new everyday.  In any case, I eventually managed to get a completed product, and this is the end result:

Detailed rib pattern :D

This was most definitely the most challenging thing I have done to date.  It could've just been the way the pattern was worded, or it could've been because it's difficult... I dunno.  Ravelry rates it right in the middle on the difficulty scale - do with that what you will.  You may be able to tell from these pictures, but this could definitely use a "blocking."  The front bottom has stretched a bit, because I am a novice blocker and the wearer has tugged at it because it didn't lay correctly.  The best way I've found to do this is with a blocking board.  Other people say not to waste the time/money, but I ordered a cardboard one from amazon for like $10 and I think it'll last me for a while!  I also bought up some T-pins and I repurposed an old febreeze bottle, filled it with water, and that's how I "wet" my completed project after it's been stretched on the board.

Last, but certainly not least, were the requested Dr. Who socks!  I actually saw THIS pattern and fell in love immediately.  I basically just followed the pattern and ended up with a fabulous and vibrant pair of socks that are adored by their owner!!

I hope you've enjoyed checking out my latest ventures.  I hope to have some new projects completed and ready for sharing here very soon!  I think my next post's theme is going to be: hats!

**I do want to say reallll quick - I don't "advertise" for anyone.  I truly adore ravelry because the majority of the stuff they have is free and great!  That is all :)

Until next time...

Wednesday, March 5, 2014


Looking in the mirror and hating what you see is a shitty way to go through life... I know this because I suffer with it daily.  I give myself a few moments of disgust, then say, "I'm fat but..." and fill in the blank.

          I'm fat but... I've got a pretty smile.
          I'm fat but... I've got awesome boobs.
          I'm fat but... I've got a husband who loves me regardless.
          I'm fat but...
                    you get the picture.

And quite frankly, I hate that it has to be that way for me.  I mean, I guess it DOESN'T have to be that way, but I've conditioned myself to just accept it and move on.
               I'm so tired of it.

Other people, people who love me or are pathological liars or are just genuinely nice at heart (ugh I hate those people, don't you?!) say, "Oh my gosh!  You so aren't fat!  You're so pretty!!"  And to you I say, fuck off.  Don't get me wrong, I appreciate your kindness and your attempt at helping me cope with myself, but just stop.  Stop lying to me and stop lying to yourself.  I do think I'm pretty, on most days, but I also know that I am obese for my age/height/body frame whatever.  I'm not saying that I'm a fatty because I'm looking for pity or validation from you - it's a fucking fact.  That being said... I'm doing something about it.  I love me - I love the person I am and fully accept every single flaw that I possess, but I'm unhappy with how I've let my body go completely out the window.  I take all of the blame for that and I look at my body in disgust because that's not what I want myself to look like.  It's not because I've been brainwashed by the world/media/the man into thinking I'm supposed to fit a specific stereotypical womanly figure - I just don't want to be this size.

Like I've said before... I've never been skinny, I never will be "SKINNY," and I don't necessarily WANT to be skinny, but I want to be healthy.  I don't want to be huffing and puffing from climbing 10 steps.  I don't want to cramp up (sorry for the overshare) every time I have sex.  I don't want to say "No honey, I don't want to go on a freaking hike," because I'll be exhausted after five seconds of effort.  I don't want to have to always wear layers or one-piece bathing suits, excuse me, bathing CLOTHES, because I look like a whale.  I want to look sexy and feel comfortable with anything I put on me.

That being said... my third weigh-in is in a week and I'm truly hoping I've made more progress.  At last weigh-in (Feb. 14) I had lost another four pounds, bringing my total up to 13 pounds lost.  Since then I've increased my jogging time up to a constant 30 minutes at least 3 times a week (except for this week because it's like a winter wonderland outside and my gym partners are on vacation until next week), and I've been doing stomach/arm workouts in addition to my 3-times-a-week stationary cycling.  I've also been encouraging my mom to get fit and have been doing her Richard Simmons tapes with her; as corny as they are, they still burn calories people!  And of course, I can feel my clothes fitting looser.  I bought a new pair of jeans (not jeggings!) that are a size down from what I was wearing (am still wearing honestly, because I'm not buying clothes until I have reached my absolute goal - I feel if I replace my wardrobe, I may grow "okay" with that small accomplishment and stop!)  Noone's really commented on seeing a visible difference (though some family members have said that I "look great" and should keep up the hard work) and I can't really see one either, but that's okay.  I'm not at my goal yet, and this isn't about other people's opinion or perspective of me.  I DO hope that my husband will notice something, however.  I will have been away from him for two months by the time he sees me in person again, and seeings how he sees me more than any other person, that will be a true testament to the work I've been doing if he can see even the slightest change.

Anywho... I will keep you updated, and hopefully will have some more material to share with you all shortly.  I've been working on some things that aren't quite ready yet.

Until next time...