Wednesday, May 30, 2012

A Series of Ridiculous Events

I've always regarded myself as a strong, stable, independent woman.  But recently, within the past six months or so, I've discovered that in fact I am a weak, overly emotional, dependent, girl.  Don't get me wrong, I love my husband and the way he lifts me up and how much we both lean on each other, but this feeling of helplessness is getting annoying.   Struggling to get out of bed because I don't want to face the day without him.  Not wanting to do anything fun because I don't want to smile if he's not around.  Not being able to look on the bright side of things because everything looks gloomy when I can't share things with him.  I can't decipher if it's an utter lack of fortitude and backbone on my part or if this is the way it's supposed to feel.  I scream to God that all I want is to be with him - that is why I married him, to be with him.  I didn't devote my life to only his because I want to spend my days and nights crying, frowning, saddened, and immobile.  I married him because I want to spend time with him, kiss him whenever I feel the urge, begin and end my days with his head on the pillow beside mine, see the world (or at least the US, but that's turning into a more literal interpretation!), and make a family and a life together.  But that seems like an impossibility, or at least that's how my emotions are interpreting these turn of events.

Of course I do get out of bed, I do smile, I go out and do some fun things, I spend time with family because soon I won't be able to, and I'm productive in multiple ways.  I know that only I can change how I'm feeling and how I spend my time - I don't believe in depression and I don't feel I am "depressed."  I know what I have to do and I do it, but it seems that the pent up frustration and emotions come out in the form of anger towards my husband.  None of this is his fault - he didn't choose this profession and this lifestyle so that we'd be apart - but no one else can take what I have to say and grasp how I'm feeling in my own way except for him and he seems to be getting the brunt of all this.

If I had a timeline or a deadline to this separation, I think I'd be coping much better.  I'd have something other than "soon" to look forward to.  I wouldn't have to take a deep sigh and steel myself before answering, "When are you leaving?" knowing the only answer I have is "I DON'T KNOW!"  I'd know when I'd get to be with him again, and I'd know it'd finally be for longer than a week.  Out there in the world, I know there are other women who go through so much worse when it comes to their husbands who are serving.  They have year-long deployments or a husband who gets sent to a hostile environment.  So next to them, I seem even more petty and even more pathetic.  And I feel for them and I'm sure that at some point in the next 20 years I'll have to experience that and I'll utterly fall apart.  But for now, this is the hardest thing I've had to do and it's hell.  It's hard.  It's frustrating.  And I don't like it...

          but I'll do it.  Because I love him.  I love us.  I love what is going to be.  I need to find a way to get through this without taking it out on him or other people that I love.  I need to buck up and grow a spine.  And I need to stop complaining about it because I knew what I was going into before we started this journey.  I chose this too, and even if it's the hardest thing I've ever done, for him I'd do anything.

Friday, May 4, 2012

Tech School Trip #4 - The Final One

This is a long one, with lots of pictures - so get prepared :)        

          In case you didn't catch the last post - we got some slightly upsetting news.  This was supposed to be my final trip to see my Airman, and at the end of it, he was supposed to be coming back with me.  However, things changed and he had to have a tooth pulled, setting back his medial clearance until his mouth heals completely, which in turn set back his orders being finalized.  I easily could've pushed this trip back until we knew for sure when he'd be coming home, because I honestly don't know if our car can continue to handle these trips, but this week (May 1st to be exact) marks our One Year Wedding Anniversary and I wasn't about to miss that!  So after making his anniversary gift:

and buying his anniversary card:

I headed off to see him as soon as his tooth was pulled, getting to him as soon as I could to make sure he was well taken care of  (awwwww :] I know).  As soon as I picked him up and headed back to the room that would be my home for the next week, he pretty much passed out - I mean he had just had a tooth pulled, was taking some serious meds, and hardly slept the night before.

Poor Baby :(
          When he woke up a few hours later, he was quite refreshed and ready to go do something fun - I think the painkillers were still running through his system?!  After some hesitation on my part and a lot of reassurance on his part, plus the encouragement of his three buddies in crime, the five of us hit the town.  We got some amazing food, had some interesting conversation, and then went and saw "The Raven," which all the guys (surprisingly) thought was just bloody and crazy enough!  It was a very fun night and I was glad that the fellas connected so well with me!
          The next day (Saturday) we were planning on just relaxing - I really thought he needed to take it easy! - but when we got a call around 4pm from the guys asking us to go the Hard Rock Cafe with them, we began rethinking our night's plans.  After deciding we would rather save our money instead of easily dropping $100 on dinner, we had a quick meal and went bowling with a few of the guys instead.

Bowling Fools :)
          Sunday was the lazy day!  We laid around in our jammies, watched some TV, played some Skryim, and I gave my love an early anniversary gift - a pedicure!  Now I dunno how many of you have seen the feet of someone who has had to get used to wearing combat boots anywhere from 10-20 hours a day, but lemme tell you it isn't pretty.  My husband's feet were in desperate need of some TLC - so I took care of him, along with a leg/foot rub of course, and he loved every minute of it!

Of course he took a nap at one point (he wouldn't be my husband if he didn't catch some Zzzz's throughout the day) and I snuggled as much as I could since he wouldn't be staying the night with me again during my trip.  We had some wings for dinner and I took him back to his room around 930 :(
          Monday was a bad day for me.  After being told at 5am that I'd only be able to extend my stay on a day-by-day basis for the next three days, I got up and got ready for the day.  I had high hopes that things were going to be productive.  I headed to the Airman office where you get your passport, and after spending an hour there, I was informed I would not be going with my husband when he left for Italy.  Instead, I was going to have to wait up to three months to follow him and pay $500 out of pocket for the visa.  Sure, we'd get reimbursed, but I wonder how long THAT will take??  Yeah.  I got my medial papers cleared and returned to my lonely hotel room where I proceeded to bawl my eyes out for the next two hours.  I had to wait on my husband to get out of class, get cleared by the medical people, attend a briefing, and go talk to the people in passport office to finalize paperwork before I had anyone to talk to about my radical emotions.  Things were looking up when we were later told that we could "divert," which is basically, tell them "Thanks but no thanks" on Italy and we'd make another wish list for STATESIDE bases (which trust me, I was all for).  We did that, and got our hopes up that things would be a little easier for us - no currency or electricity conversion, no waiting on furniture and vehicle to arrive months after we do, no learning a new language or a new country, no medical records/shots/immunizations for wife and pet, the list could continue on and on and on.  It would be a few days before we heard back about what would come of all this...
          Tuesday was our one year wedding anniversary and it didn't start off too well either.  I called at 5am to be told that they weren't extending any reservations because they were overbooked, which meant if I wanted to stay (which, hello of course I do!) I'd have to find some place off base to accommodate me.  I decided to call again at 830 to see if anything had changed (nope) and again, one last ditch effort at 1030 (again nope!)  So after packing my car with all my stuff all by my lonesome, I headed over to checkout and man was I one lucky duck!  I explained my situation to the lady at the desk and she found me a place to stay for the next two nights - only downside was I had to share my bathroom with a neighboring room!  Hell, I didn't care as long as I was with my husband, whom by the way, I didn't even get to see or speak to until well after 3pm.  BUT I was lucky enough to get to stay on base and get to see him, let alone spend some time with him, so I was thanking God for his amazingness and making things work out.  After checking in to my new room, I spent the next few hours getting ready for a night out on the town!

          I had to pick him up because it was 90+ degrees and I wasn't going out with a sweaty beast for the night simply because I wanted HIM to pick ME up =)  He took me to the Hard Rock Casino (my first casino ever!) and we played some slots and enjoyed the atmosphere.  We ended up coming out on top, winning our money back plus about $12 WOOHOO :)  Then, we had reservations at Ruth's Chris where we enjoyed a fabulous (albeit EXPENSIVE - but it was worth it) dinner, and hey it came with free chocolate cake.  We did have the top of our wedding cake at the hotel, but we were so stuffed that we decided to enjoy it the next day!!  After dinner, we went to the beach.  It was pretty close to sunset, so we walked up and back holding hands and in bare feet and ended the night back at the hotel room with about an hour to spare before he was due back in his room.  All-in-all it was a pretty solid night and I can't wait to celebrate many, many more anniversaries with this amazing man :)

          Wednesday was GRADUATION DAY and my mom had come in around midnight so she could be there to support him as well!!  We (Mom and Me) headed to the graduation room around 830 (the first ones there of course).  The ladies who coordinated graduation were nice enough to let my love know we had arrived, and he and his buddies were able to come into the room and hang out before the ceremony kicked off, giving me a chance to get some decent pictures of everyone :)

Then the ceremony started and it took literally 19 minutes from start to finish - short, sweet, and to the point :)  They recognized us for attending (there was only one other family member there :( but apparently that's normal?!) which was a bit weird but very thoughtful, they got their "diplomas," a power-speech by the "Vice Commander" (I think he was a major), and then they got dismissed and had this hand-shake "receiving line" sort of deal which I thought was cool, where you go to congratulate each individual graduate for his job well done :)  Then my love had to go back to his squadron and take care of last minute paperwork and find out the news on our "divert."

After we got back to the room, I got the call from him -  the one that confirmed we had, in fact, gotten our hopes up :(  He HAD to go to Italy because they'd already invested $100K in him (classified clearance, PRP clearance, and base prep).  I'm still a little upset about it all - sure Italy is exciting, but it's for THREE YEARS and I just don't want to have a complicated and confusing first experience PCSing!  OH WELL though right?!  There's nothing I can do about it and it's an opportunity I wouldn't get any other way.  I'll just have to suck it up that we'll be separated without hardly ANY contact for up to 3 months and learn to deal with the fact that my opinion, wants, and needs no longer have any bearing on what actually happens in my life.  Welcome to the military, sweetheart!
          The rest of the day was good, though.  We went out to dinner with some of the other graduates and I met a few new people, and it was nice.  For the most part, the trip was great, except for that looming presence overhead that kept reminding me that I was about to embark on the most insane and terrifying experience of my life without any information upfront.  I'm so drained from the massive amounts of crying I did because of this move that I can't even conjure up the words I want to say about how I truly feel about everything that's happening.  All I know is that my husband is on his way home to me and I'm going to enjoy every moment of his 11 days of leave.


For being amazing readers and sticking with me through this beginning journey, and in honor of my ONE YEAR WEDDING ANNIVERSARY here's a little treat from me to you:

This is a coupon code for a FREE DOWNLOAD of my self-published ebook, Temptation available on Smashwords.  I'm hoping to have the second one in the series available for purchase by the end of this summer, so be on the lookout :)  And thanks again for being avid readers!!

Until next time...