Life without cheese

Dairy-free. No cheese. No milk. No butter. No ice cream. No chocolate.

how?

HOW can people live this way?!?

When I first decided to write about my dairy-free attempt I was about ten days into the lifestyle change. Now here I sit, two months after I gave that up! Needless to say, I gave it a month and a half and decided it just wasn't for me.

First, I started out going dairy-free in EVERY facet of life. If there were ingredients within a recipe, I didn't eat it. If there was cross-contamination possibilities (discovered that almost ALL fried foods, at least from fast-food restaurants, contain milk in some form because of the re-used oil), it didn't go down the hatch. After two weeks without french fries on top of  missing out on all of my beloved dairy foods, I decided to not go quite so intense with it... after all, I don't have an allergy to dairy and the amount of diary actually present in the above-mentioned instances wasn't enough to justify not eating it, at least to me. I figured after my initial diary-free attempts, it wouldn't kill me to reintroduce small amounts of dairy back into my diet overtime.  After another four weeks of that, I thought I would die if I couldn't have a chocolate shake or some macaroni and cheese, two of my four basic food groups, let's be honest. It was at that point I decided to nix the whole thing and go back to ole faithful, all in moderation. Plus, when I read that avoiding dairy, even for a small time, can cause a lactose intolerance, I feared I'd create a lifestyle I didn't really want to implement for all of my life.

My overwhelming reason for attempting this was weight loss. I know that the majority of what I consume is dairy, wheat, sugar, and pasta related things. So by cutting out diary, I'd reduce a little bit of each of those additional groups, because oftentimes diary is a part of or on top of those things. Less of that stuff equals less "bad" stuff I'd be eating, perhaps replacing it with more "good" things and lending towards cut calories. Another reason why I thought I'd give this is a go jumps off a previous post I did where I revealed my absolute HATRED of my skin. I'd read and heard and been told that dairy can be a major factor in acne issues, so why not, right?

Now, most of you will probably say, ummm you gave it like 7 weeks, so of course you didn't see results. Here's my thing... I'm really really impatient. And my love for dairy, dairy-related, and dairy-partnered foods overrides the hell I found myself living in. Okay, maybe hell is a bit harsh, but no freaking ice cream. But seriously... in 7 weeks I should've seen something, and I didn't. No weight loss, no change in acne, no improvement in overall "feeling" better.

My overall assessment: while dairy-free may work for some, it certainly didn't work for me. I think I actually dreamed of cheese at some point :(

What about you... given it a try? Hated it, loved it, still doing it?

You want me to do what with that?

Anyone who knows me knows that I absolutely detest my facial skin - I have had acne for almost 20 years (and I'm only 28). I hate how my skin feels, looks, and the impression it gives to others. I've become pretty good at learning how to cover it up, but sometimes the best makeup techniques can't even help me out with it. It makes me slightly self-conscious, a little embarrassed, and uberly disgusted.

** So looking back at my pictures (please disregard my HORRID eyebrows), it's the ole hind sight is 20/20 thing. I wish my skin looked as "bad" as I thought it did during this time in my life. While I still remember how I felt, and there is certainly evidence of acne, apparently as I've gotten older it's become way worse... THIS is what I'm experiencing now:

 

I've tried every OTC cleanser, toner, wipe, scrub, mask, WHATEVER you can think of (however my utter FEAR of horrible reviews for ProActiv and things like it have caused me to avoid those at all costs). I've also been prescribed "medical-grade" cleansers/scrubs from my general doctor (I've never seen a dermatologist because I've always felt I could handle this on my own). I added a daytime and nighttime moisturizing routine into my regular, twice daily cleanings. Add that to all those home remedies: baking soda, toothpaste, straight alcohol, aspirin, honey, cinnamon, green tea, tea tree oil, lemon juice, cider vinegar... this list could fill a book, seriously. (** Obviously I didn't try these all together or all at once; this is just my list from over the past 20 years**). Some people were convinced it was the foods I ate (see my Life Without Cheese post), how much food I was eating (I've lost 50+ pounds since 2014), the water, the weather, the location (humidity/altitude), whatever. 

At my ultimate wits' end, I discovered COCONUT OIL. I'm assuming that I never even thought of or researched this is the past because I absolutely, positively detest coconut in any form. It stinks, it tastes weird, it has a funky texture, it looks gross. Now I don't remember exactly when or how I came across this, BUT in my many internet browsings I found a bunch of articles on the topic of using coconut oil, not only as a moisturizer, but as a sole cleanser. Here's only a few... 

Best and Worst Coconut Oil

Coconut Oil for Clear Skin

Using Coconut Oil for Acne Treatment

Coconut Oil for Acne

DON'T get me wrong. Coconut oil is NOT a miracle cure. It's a long process and it doesn't necessarily prevent new stuff from forming. But cleaner skin is less of an ideal environment for the shit skin to happen! Keep in mind I only use it topically, not internally (and I realize I'll probably never be acne ridden because I WILL NOT become a vegetarian, organic, hippie freak, which is pretty much the only way to be acne-free apparently).

My current regimen:

- Shower (I've decreased the heat in which I shower now, as too hot isn't good for you!), only "cleansing" my skin with water... no products.

- Get out 1-1½ teaspoons (not an exact science, here) from the jar and work it between fingertips until liquidy. Rub into entire face (I put it on my neck too) - LIGHT layer, don't glob it on - for 30 seconds to one minute. Get a clean cloth and get it as hot as you can. Put on your face and allow to "steam" for 30 seconds to one minute to open your pores more. Use the cloth to wipe away the greasiness, but don't entirely dry your face. You want to leave some as a moisturizer; it'll eventually soak in.

- Before bedtime, I rinse my skin with warm water and do the same thing.

- That's it.

DO NOT rinse your hands or drop any oil into your drain. It WILL congeal and clog your pipes and that's a horrible problem to fix.

I personally use Dr. Bronner's Organic Virgin Coconut Oil, which I found in the "organic" section at Kroger (City Markets/Dillons/FoodsCo/Fred Meyer/Fry's/King Soopers/Ralphs/Smiths). (Update: I still have the same jar I started with 4 months later and I use it twice daily). There's a lot of sciencey-stuff involved in choosing the best oil, but the articles linked above deal with that, so give it all a look. Keep in mind this might not work for everyone. But coming from someone who's been suffering with acne as long as I have, and exceptionally horrifically over the past four-ish years, I have to say that I am sold. 

I think I will never buy any other product ever again. I'm still going to see a dermatologist and see if there's some sort of internal prescription that will work in tandem with the oil, but I think this is what will be my saving grace (at least bring me to a normal level, not what you see above).

1st row: Day 1
2nd row: After 30 days
3rd row: After 60 days

Clearly, I still have some issues, but the improvement is kinda obvious.

** Update after using for 4 months - at the 4 month mark, I decided to add in a normal benzoyl peroxide cleanser (Neutrogena's recent commercials for THIS product just sung to my heart, fucking advertising). NOPE. Horrible, bad, stupid idea. So I'm trying to detox my skin again and get back to where I was before :(

I hope I helped you out if you've been struggling and unable to find some relief. I will keep you updated on any future developments in the acne department!

His namesake

I've been told many times that I've been named after him, but honestly, I've never really gotten more than that.  My entire life I've lived on the other side of the country from him, always wondering what it would be like to have a stronger relationship, always desiring a fill to that pseudo void I've felt for a more involved father-figure.  Whenever I do get the rare chance to see him (what, once every six years or so) he's always enthusiastic and makes me feel so important, missed, and loved.  I find him oftentimes giving me much more credit than I'm deserving of, but instead of correcting him, I relish in someone finding me fascinating, intelligent, and interesting.  When he's far away, he tries to keep up with all of his nieces' and nephews' busy lives, never lacking in showing support or enthusiasm in what's important to each of us.

I'm sure his day-to-day live is hectic and busy, with a wife, three children, and a grand-baby, but he seems to approach most situations with an open-mind, kind heart, and strong will.  He's had his fair share of obstacles and rough encounters but knows how to keep his head up and urge others to do the same when their lives don't follow the paths that they had planned for.  Watching how his  life and children have evolved and grown, and knowing that he's had a hand in that, makes me look up to him more now as an adult than I ever could as a child.  Now that I've started my own little family (consisting of a husband and a pup, but hoping to add some kiddos in the distant future), I find myself hoping that I become as content and approving of my own life as he seems to be with his.  I also hope that after being married for (ummm how many years now?) as long as he has I can still be as deeply in love with my spouse as anyone can tell he is with his own.

Ever since I started this blog, he's been my biggest supporter and most avid reader and today is his birthday.  This is for you Uncle Ray.  Know that I miss you and the Frankles daily, wishing I could've had the opportunity to bond more with each and every one of you over the years, but extremely happy with the chances I did get to spend with you and hope to still get in the future. I love you and hope that today is a reminder that the world was changed the day you were brought into it, and in the best possible way.

The Habitual Charlatan

Here we go again, that petty business we call deception.
You've started it back up, that hateful deceit.
I see you weaving it oh so well, it's fabrication.
It's something you've mastered, one thing you easily repeat.

I see you foolin' other people
(Or maybe it's just that they really don't care)
You throw around words like love, harmony, and tranquil
And yet you couldn't fathom how those actions are even prepared.

Distortion to you is the natural way of seeing things
Invention is the only way you can look at yourself in the morning
I hate that you don't know what honesty brings
Because it's quite a wonderful feeling.

You don't have to keep up with which untruth you spread this instance
It isn't necessary to remember the exaggerations
Being truthful isn't rocket science
When you can be trusted, no one questions your motivations

I'm done feeling sorry for you
I honestly think you're a lost cause
I just hope for your sake you understand your value
Measures up to nothing but naught.



This is dedicated to anyone out there who's sick and tired of those empty promises of "I'm going to be a better person," or "I just want everyone to get along, man," when all along that "promiser" has been and always will be the true two-faced gossip-monger. =)  Goodnight!

Excerpt from "Finding Myself"

I've written and completed a manuscript entitled Finding Myself, here's a look...

            When we got to her hospital room, I thought my legs were going to crumble beneath the unbearable weight of my shame and guilt.  It seemed as if everything hit me like an uncontrollable wave crashing into the shore.  I wasn’t sure if I should feel like this, but I couldn’t help it.  It wasn’t simply that I felt sorry for Lydia, or that I was blaming myself for this; I had forgotten who she was to me all these years.  She had always been my other half – I’d conveniently let my jealousy and selfishness overtake me; that was not the person I was or wanted to be.  I was that girl who apologized for things that weren’t her fault.  I was that girl who never said what she was truly thinking; I bit my tongue.  I was that girl who could forgive and forget.  Why was it, then, that I allowed myself to cause this mayhem?  My mother most certainly wasn’t going to forgive me and I couldn’t, or wouldn’t expect any absolution from Lydia.  But there was still this undeniable feeling in the pit of my stomach that made me wonder, why did I have to apologize for who I was or who I wanted to be?  Would they ever be willing to do the same?

            I looked up as we walked into the dimly lit room.  Cooper was asleep on the horrible excuse for a couch.  Lydia was lying down with her back propped up, talking softly to Stella, who was sitting in a chair at her side.  When they heard us shuffle in the room, their eyes furiously shot over to Samuel and me.

            “WHAT are you doing here?” Stella asked angrily as she shot up out of her chair.

            Samuel’s expression was pleading, but his tense body screamed anger.  He didn’t say a word, though.

            “I… well,” I began, “I thought that we should come.”

            “It’s a little late for sympathy or support, dontcha think Izabelle?” Stella continued.  “I think you should just leave right now.”

            “Stella,” I began, then looked over at my sister“… Lydia… I know you probably blame me for all this, but I think it’s more important that I apologize for my behavior,”  Here I go again… apologizing for something I don’t really feel I should.

            “AGAIN,” Stella interrupted, “a little late for that.”

            Lydia, who had been staring down at her folded hands finally spoke, “Thanks for coming.  I’m sure it was hard for you…” she paused and looked up at me, “but there’s really no reason for you to be here.”

            It felt like the wind had been knocked out of me and my knees finally did give out from right underneath me.  Samuel quickly turned to brace me, too quickly in fact, because his elbow grazed the tray at the foot of the hospital bed and a cup went crashing to the floor.  Cooper shot up from his slumber and came immediately to his feet when he saw us standing there.

            “Sammy,” he half questioned, half stated.

            Samuel nodded at him, but never let me go.  Cooper looked over at Lydia who was silently crying, and Stella, who was still glaring at me.  I wondered how a mother could ever look at her own daughter in that way.  Samuel looked down at me and we exchanged a glance, allowing him the peace of mind that he could release me.  Cooper’s gaze had returned to us and when he saw Samuel let me go, he took a small step toward him.  Samuel slowly returned the gesture, but began lifting his arms in the form of a welcoming hug.  At first, Cooper’s expression showed his overwhelming skepticism, but once he came to the realization that this was actually happening, he lunged into his older brother’s arms.  They embraced for quite a while, and I could see that they missed each other greatly.

            When they let go, I saw Stella grimace out of the corner of my eye.  How can she be like this? I thought to myself.  I am her daughter… Samuel is the love of my life and she can’t see any side but her own.

            “Do you want to talk in the hall?” Cooper asked Samuel quietly.

            Samuel glanced at me, worried to leave me in the pit of hell by myself.  I gave a completely relieved smile and a strong nod, letting him know how proud I was that he decided to reconcile his differences with his best friend.  They left quietly and I stood, feet planted, looking at my sister and mother.  I knew this wasn’t going to be resolved at this moment, or maybe ever, but they had to at least listen to my side of everything; at least, I was going to try and explain.

            “Look,” I began, “I know you both hate me for all I said to you and about you,” I nodded my head in Lydia’s direction in particular, “but I meant every word.”

            Their eyes widened and Stella replied, “If you came here to place more fault on us, believe me, we’ve heard far too much of that al–”

            “No…” I interrupted, “let me finish.”  I waited a minute for them to exchange glances and to calm down a bit.  “So all of it was valid… I’m tired of just ignoring things and pretending nothing ever happened.  My entire life has been spent suppressing my true feelings about my childhood.  I don’t want these feelings anymore.”

            “Neither do I, Tub,” Lydia responded, “but I didn’t blow things up and rub every mistake in yours and mom’s faces.  I just let it go…”

            “I CAN’T!” I cut in.  “I’m different from you.  I’m not okay with the way things went for us.  I’ve never been able to say any of this before.  You don’t like to listen to it…” I gestured with my hands toward Lydia, “and you pretend it didn’t happen,” I gestured toward Stella.  “I can’t do that. Stella…” I paused, a long pause, “see, just that… not being able to call you mom, it kills me.  Do you know what it was like to have kids ask me why I called you by your first name?”  No emotion showed on her face at all.  I have to get through to her, I thought.  “Do you know what it was like to explain to teachers why my mother was an hour late picking me up more often than not, if you remembered to pick me up at all?  Or why I wore the same clothes day after day for an entire week?  I was ashamed and afraid to tell them that you sold all our stuff to buy drugs, I didn’t have anything else to wear.  I couldn’t tell them you forgot about me every day because you were snorting cocaine and ‘entertaining men,’” I made air-quotes with my fingers trying to pretty-up the fact that she was a prostitute.  “I couldn’t tell them you hated me and never wanted children in the first place, that calling you Mom or Mother would just be a constant reminder of something you didn’t want to be and were cursed with.”

            I looked down at the floor and the tension in the air was creeping in, wrapping its ugly hands around my neck and strangling me.

            “I didn’t come here for this,” I whispered.  “I just wanted to be here for Lydia in her time of despair.”  I was unsure if they even heard me.

            “Izzie,” Lydia said, “I know things were very hard for you, but I went through it all too.  I had to avoid those same lingering questions and…”

            “Yea, Lydia, you did…” I paused before speaking the next words, “but I didn’t up and leave you,” I responded with scorn.

            “You’re right,” she said softly, “but you did have me in the beginning.  I had no one until you came along.”  I couldn’t tell if she was speaking so quietly because she hated thinking about this as much as I did or if she was trying to spare Stella the sting of her truthful words.

            “So… because I was seven years too late, you punished me by leaving me to fend for myself.  You abandoned me like Stella had already done.”

            Lydia had tears streaming down her face.  I looked at Stella, who was sitting, staring at the wall.  She seemed to be in a state of shock and I wondered if what we were saying was in vain; was she even hearing what was being said?  This was for her.

            “I love you Izzie… I really do, with all my heart,” Lydia took a deep breath, “but life isn’t all about you.”  She paused for a moment.  “Everyone suffers, we both got a huge, heaping serving of crap for our life, but you have to move on from this… I have.  You weren’t the only one who experienced all that, it isn’t all about you,” she repeated even quieter than the first time.

            “Oh…” I breathed out.  I was a little put out by her words, especially since nothing was ever “all about me” as she’d said.  But in her eyes, at least she was being honest with me, and I had to have some appreciation for that.  I had tried for so long to push everything into the back of my mind, but with all that happened recently, it was hard to not let these issues rise to the surface.  I was ready to settle this, even if not for my own benefit, but I still wondered if they were as willing.

            “I’m sorry Izzie… Lydia…” Stella said suddenly, “I know I was… no am a horrible mother.  There’s no excuse for how I treated you and made you feel.”  She was almost breathing the words out, mumbling silently.  “I was so stunned to know I had become pregnant.  I didn’t know how to take care of a child.  I was on my own, completely broke, felt sorry for myself, and tried my damndest to get rid of the pain I felt every day.”

            “That’s a shit-ass justification, Stella,” I said, quite calmly.  “You left your parents willingly when you found out about Lydia because you were too scared to tell them the truth.  And yeah, it’s obvious that you were only thinking about yourself because you’ve never taken care of us a day in your life.  And your pain you speak of… you’ve tried to rid yourself of it for over 20 years.  Don’t you think it’s time for you to move on from all this self-pity?”  

            I heard the squeak of rubber on the over-waxed flooring of the hospital room.  I turned my head to the left and saw Cooper and Samuel with smiles on their faces entering the room.  Lydia immediately reached up and brushed the tears away from her face and Stella stood up and left the room without saying a word.  She brushed between the brothers and knocked Samuel off balance, following it up with, “Stupid oaf… get out of the damn way.”

            Samuel glanced at the two of us still left in the room and instantly caught on to the emotion in the air; Cooper was a bit more clueless.

            “Hey babe,” he said on his way to Lydia’s side.  He leaned down and kissed the top of her head.  She forced out a stiff smile and self-consciously brushed her hair behind her ear while turning her gaze back to her folded hands.

            “So ole Sammy and I had a lot to talk about.  I caught him up on the occurrences of the past few days.”  He turned his gaze to me, “I’m sure he’ll relay the information, Iz.”

            I shook my head to let him I know I understood and returned my attention to Lydia.  She was now looking up at me and our eyes connected.  I wanted to convey my compassion and apologies and utter heartbreak for her.  Could a simple gaze do that?  I knew that if I didn’t do something, right now, I might lose her forever.  I couldn’t bear to lose her like I’d already lost my mother. Even if I did end up reconciling with Stella, I would never have the relationship with her that I truly wanted.  Lydia was the first to look away, and I didn’t mind; I understood.  Not only, by sitting in this hospital, was she being put on display for all to sympathize for and with, but she couldn’t run away and hide like Stella had already done.  I glanced at Cooper, who was aimlessly fiddling with the stuff on her bedside table.  I turned my head to Samuel who was staring intently at me, as if he knew what I was going to do before even I did.  He gave me a wonderful smile, bringing up the corner of one side of his lip higher than the other.  I returned the gesture and closed my eyes.  After taking a deep breath, I looked back at Lydia who was crying even harder now, still without sound.  I slowly began moving the muscles in my leg to step forward.  I hesitated for a second, What if she doesn’t want to make amends with me?  She has Cooper now, right?  She has Stella, more than she ever has… certainly more than I ever will.  Like she said, I’m being selfish.  I can see she’s in pain, but she’ll move on from it like she always does.  I hate to even think it, but could this ‘miscarriage’ be another attempt at gaining attention?  Will she… all this, ever change?  I felt a small tear trickle down my face and I wiped it away before anyone could notice.  I rested my foot in place.  I can’t do this, I thought.  I turned to Samuel and his smile was gone.  He mouthed to me, “Oh, Izzie,” and very slowly closed his eyes and shook his head.  I think he understood that I wasn’t going to do anything, and I could definitely read the sadness on his face.  My stomach turned and I felt like I was going to throw up if I didn’t leave the room.  I turned my body completely toward the door.

            “I’m sorry we… I caused so much trouble by coming here.  I can see I’m not wanted.”  With that, I turned and left the room.  Once I hit the hallway, I began to run.  I knew it was probably a bad idea, but I had to escape.  I had to get out.  The walls were coming in on me.  Everything was continuing to fall underneath me, disappearing.  I wasn’t sure if Samuel was following me, and I honestly didn’t care.  I had to get out.

            When I hit the exit, I realized that rain was pouring from the sky.  I knew the second I stepped out from underneath the awning I was going to be drenched, but I didn’t care about that either.  I kept running until I hit the sidewalk.  I stopped and began heaving, taking in huge gasps of air.  I wasn’t sure if what I was feeling was anger or frustration or grief or aching… longing for that which I just let slip through my fingers.  Without an ounce of hurry in my body, I tilted my head back to let the rain wash it all away.  I closed my eyes and soaked everything in.  I remained there, letting the water drop on my face and slide down my body.  I didn’t care if everyone in the world was staring, I just wanted this feeling, this aching to go away.

            I felt a soft touch on my shoulder and knew right away that it was Samuel.

            “Izzie…” he whispered to me.  He let his fingers linger on my shoulder for a moment.  I gradually dropped my head back to its normal position and turned to face him.  There we were, standing in the middle of a storm… just us two.  I stared into his longing eyes, they were worried and I could tell my actions were affecting him deeply.

            I tilted my head a bit and gave him what I hoped was a reassuring smile.  I reached up and softly stroked his cheek.  He gave me a confused look and I knew he didn’t truly understand what was running through my mind.  I wanted to feel nothing… I wanted the numbness to come on, but I knew it wouldn’t.  I’d be aching for a while, if I didn’t find a way to fix all this.  But how would I go about that?  He couldn’t answer that for me, and I think he knew that.

            “You ready?” I asked him softly with a surprisingly steady voice.

            He just took my hand from his face and held it in his own, leading me to our car.

Symposium of Souls Continued (Part III)

                My mind was racing and my dry mouth was slightly agape.  I quickly snapped my lips shut and swallowed down the fear and erraticism, and as my scratchy throat was relieved by my salvia, it gave way to a stunned and mystified expression.

His widened eyes continued to glare into me, a desperate need for knowledge swirling around in his dark irises.  His features were hardened, almost as if he was on-guard, and he stood as if ready to burst open with anticipation.

“Well, though I wouldn’t have worded it quite the same way… I was wondering the same thing about you,” I finally managed to force out.

                His expression softened a bit and he relaxed onto himself.  He took a few steps away from me and finally realized I was no threat, giving into his better judgment and turning away from me.  While he reached up to run his long fingers through his black hair he spoke quietly to himself.

                “What the hell is going on?  This is insane… I shouldn't... feel like this.”

                “I know what you mean,” I blurted out.

                He whipped around, dropping his arms to his side, and gawked at me.

                “You know what I mean?” he questioned angrily.  “You know what I mean?” he repeated, this time more to himself then to me.  “What…” he forced out a lungful of air, “huuhhh… what is going on?” he asked completely defeated, staring intently into my eyes.

                My head began to swim.  His eyes so dark, yet inviting, and exuding so much warmth that I wanted to crawl inside them and live forever.  I could feel my heart ricocheting around in my rib cage, it’s constant and strong pounding the reassurance I needed to confirm I wasn’t simply frozen in a moment,and  I certainly wasn’t imagining any of this.  I forced myself to blink and found my words again, though I was sure my resonance wouldn’t even compare to the rich, low timbre he possessed.  With each word I spoke I took a small, unsteady step closer to him.

                “I don’t know what’s going on here either.  But I do know…” I licked my dry lips, “it’s completely unreal.”

                I was close enough to feel an electricity radiating from him.  My body reacted almost instantly to the thought and goose bumps rose all over me, a shiver starting on the back of my neck and unraveling all the way through my body, across my hips, to the tips of my nails, into my bones.  The thought of his essence washing over me and filling me was more than I could withstand and I felt as if I’d collapse under the images fluttering around in my mind.  I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, my nostrils flaring as the air quivered out of me.

                I felt pressure on my bicep and opened my eyes for a moment before realizing he was gripping onto me.  I stared at his strong hand, this extremity that was clutching onto me, permeating my flesh, searing warmth, desire, and the unknown into me.  I knew my hammering heartbeat was powerful enough that not only could he feel it through his grasp but he could hear it thundering through the bathroom.  I followed his arm up to his body, his steady, unyielding body, standing before me like an offering to some gorgeous goddess, though I was far from that.  I finally looked up at his face, etching every feature, curve, line, dimple into my memory.  I again felt that magnetism, that impulse to reach up and cradle his face in my palm, touch him; I wanted to master how his skin felt against mine, how his cheek literally conformed to the dimensions of my hand, however scientifically impossible it was.  But this time I resisted, though it physically pained me to deny myself what my entire body was screeching for.

                “I feel like I’ve known you for my entire life, yet I’ve never laid eyes on you.”

                He calmly and deliberately shook his head in understanding, taking a moment before responding, “What’s your name?”

                I had this uncontrollable urge to laugh.  Such a simple question for such a loaded encounter; it seemed almost unimportant given the circumstances.  I knew without knowing a single thing about him that I could love this man forever, yet the most pertinent question that rose to the surface of his mind was my name?  After a few moments, I realized just how fantastic it was that even when our bodies were most definitely fighting for each other, he was able to maintain a simplistic charm.  The magnitude of that hit me suddenly and I smiled softly, ready to answer him.

                “My name is Karman, with a ‘k’.”

                “Like karma?” he questioned automatically, his face lighting up at the thought of the universe playing some sort of matchmaking trick on us both.

                “Just like it,” I responded still intoxicated by how he lit up the entire room.  His smile warmed me from within and filled me with a longing to crawl up inside of him and never leave. 
               “What’s yours?” I asked looking so deeply into his eyes that I saw the answer before he even spoke it.

                “It’s Aristeo… yeah weird I know.  But most people just call me Ari.”

                “Not weird,” I responded, “just unique.”

                “My family is Greek and it’s a more modern version of a playwright who lived in Athens… it means best or happy or successful,” he shrugged in frustration with his rambling, which I found quite cute, “I dunno,” he finally finished.

                I stepped even closer to him and reached out to lay my hand on his chest.  I was unable to resist making contact with him any longer and if this was all I could get at this moment, I wasn’t passing up the opportunity.

                “I think it fits you perfectly,” I whispered.

                “What is going on?” he uttered softly, lifting his own hand to cover mine.  “This... these emotions, they,” he exhaled slowly, trying desperately to let the perplexity of the situation fade away, and clutched to me in the process, “frankly, they scare me a bit.  It’s like… if a car were about to hit you right now, I’d die to save your life, no questions asked.  Or… like I know that if I asked you to marry me right now, you’d say yes and we’d be together until death.”

                I sucked in a sharp gulp of air at the honesty and truth behind his words, knowing that I felt those exact same things, however insane it sounded.

                He continued, “How do I know that… when I don’t even know you?  This is like nothing I’ve ever experienced before, but it’s like I’ve been searching for it and didn’t even know it.”

                He let his hand trail down my arm and around my waist, eventually pulling me into him so that our chests were right up against one another.  His other arm snaked up and around the back of neck and he guided my face closer to his.  I trembled in anticipation of what I hoped was about to happen.  My eyes fell to his lips, those two plump, slices of pure ecstasy and joy advancing on me.  His tongue flicked out and brushed quickly against them, followed suddenly by his timid teeth unintentionally exposing the apprehension and sliver of craving he held for me. 

Involuntarily, my arms shot up and writhed around the back of his neck drawing him into me.  As my slender fingers twisted and entwined with the firm, pure strands of hair falling from his long neck, my mouth found his and my body exploded underneath my skin; if not for it, every ounce of unadulterated affection and devotion would erupt from inside me and drench every miniscule surface of the bathroom.  His kiss abdicated to mine, but he didn’t relinquish a smidgen of passion, instead allowing our malleable lips to bond in a way that was indescribable.  A fury of lust I hadn’t even paid consideration to imploded in my soul and I reacted as I’d assume an unrestrained beast would.  I pushed him up against the nearest wall and ripped his t-shirt over his head.  My heart was pounding, partially because this was not something I made a habit of doing, but mostly because I’d never done it before.  He reacted like a magnet, immediately rebounding and snapping back against me.  I fought with myself to stay level-headed, but this creature within me pushed away my common sense and perception.  He was all I could comprehend.  I wanted to tear into him, expose every particle of his being so that I might know him better than myself; I needed to discover what was making me hysterical with infatuation.

My lips smothered his bare chest with lavish kisses and I eventually maneuvered my way back up to his mouth, but he had other things in mind.  Before I had a second to react, he twirled me around and pressed me against the wall.  My shirt was up and over my head in moments and it was his turn to unearth his connection to me.  I welcomed it and allowed my inhibitions to dissolve away entirely, opening myself up to him in any way he could possibly long for.  His wandering mouth smoothed over every curve of my torso and when his face was in front of mine again, my only thought was to eradicate each obstacle keeping us from knowing one another inside and out.  I allowed my arms to slowly make their way down, and just as I about to give myself to him mind, body, and soul… someone pounded on the door.

We both jumped, startled at the now-obvious distraction, for we were standing partially naked in a public restroom in a university library.

“Hey… is anyone in there?” a deep voice on the other side of the door shouted.

Ari cleared his throat, desperately trying to calm his hammering heart and collect his sane mind before he responded, “Um… yeah we’re doing some construction, find another one.”

After a few moments of silence, he allowed his head to turn back towards me, both of us fighting to control our breaths.  He let his arm rise slowly, his fingers to brush my cheek.  My knees wobbled uncertainly and I could feel heat rising on my face, turning my skin a rosy shade of embarrassment at the way I reacted to such a simple touch.

“Maybe we should take a second to collect ourselves?” he asked, smiling at me in that way only he could.

I shook my head in agreement and stepped away from his touch.  I bent over to collect my shirt and after I was properly covered, I turned to find him in the same condition.  We both took deep breaths and I found that I was eager to speak to him, my regular amount of timidity completely non-apparent.

“Why don’t we go some place where we can talk… maybe before we do this?”

He chuckled and I thought I might die from the amount of pure delight I experienced from hearing it.

“That’s a good idea.”

He reached out for my hand and again I was hit with that feeling you get when you’ve walked into your home for the first time in a long time.  My heart swelled with immense adoration and comfort and I knew that even if soul mates were a thing of mythology or fairy tales, I was now a believer and eager to discover what else this beautiful stranger had in store for me.

Symposium of Souls Continued (Part II)

                 After too many hours had vanished and I’d wasted a sufficient amount of my time, I realized I had to gather up my pity and save face while no one knew what I’d done.  I composed myself and stood from the grass, already realizing I had to let go of the hold he had on me, and slowly allowing it to fade away.  I rose and began walking towards the library that enclosed the south side of the quad, detailing a mental checklist of the books I needed and trying with every ounce of my will to forget the mysterious man who'd been dropped into my perfectly boring life.  Just as the shadow cast by the top of the building engulfed me and dropped the temperature at least ten degrees, I blinked for a moment and clumsily crashed into another student crossing my path.

                “Oh, I’m so sorry,” I said, reaching out for the person’s shoulder to balance us both.

                “I’m not,” a deep, enveloping, almost feral voice rumbled out and wrapped around me.  I could’ve sworn if I wasn’t as close as I was, his voice would’ve been inaudible to me.  It made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up and my heart began beating quickly.  After a few moments of fear mixed with irrational desire spreading through my bones, I gradually lifted my head to scan this stranger’s face, only to be looking directly into the eyes of my mystery soul mate.

                My breath instantly caught in my throat and any ideas I'd previously had of forgetting this man vanished as if I'd never even thought them.  Almost involuntarily, my arm began to rise, my hand ready to touch this gorgeous creature.  The urgency that washed over me, to touch him, get to know him, feel him… it was as if this opportunity would disappear if I didn’t grasp onto it right here and now.  I tried reasoning with my reactions, using my uncanny internal wit and sarcasm against my own thoughts, trying to joke that this was some crazy dream that I'd been so engrossed in that it was like a spin-off of Inception.  All I had to do was initiate a "kick" and wake myself up.  However, as much as I tried convincing myself this wasn't real, I softly blurted out, "I've been waiting for you," completely stunned by my pointed honesty.

                "I'm sorry it took me so long," he responded almost instantly, staring me down with so much intensity I felt as if I'd melt under his gaze.

                When my hand made contact with his cheek, an instant pang of recognition burst through my body, like a violent déjà vu, and I instantly felt sad.  It was an odd sensation and it seemed to be written all over his features as well.  I tried to make sense of what was happening and the best I could come up with, though absurd, brought me back to the idea of soul mates.  If he was mine, perhaps we'd been parted and this reunion, though joyous and overwhelming, was sad because who knows how long our souls had been searching for one another.  I internally shook my head at this insanity and instead returned my attention back to the stranger.  He scanned me with his dark eyes, searching for explanation and understanding.  Up close, the previous assumptions I'd had of him, being a poser vintage-lover in a male-model's body wasn't all that off, but something about him made him unique and genuine in ways I didn't even know that I was able to decipher.  He quickly reached up and gripped onto my wrist, the same urgency I was feeling evident in his movements.  Without a word he yanked my hand down from his face, but instead of flinging my arm away, even though just the thought of that sickened me deeply, he turned with me still in his grasp and pulled me toward the library entrance.

                “Wh-where are you taking me?” I managed to question in a whisper, because though I was overwhelmed with unfamiliar emotions, I wasn’t scared, just curious.

                “Just… inside.  Somewhere more private.”

                “Okay.”

                Once we got inside, he loosened his grip on my wrist and moved his fingers to intertwine with mine.  As irrational as it sounded, his hand fit within mine perfectly, almost as if we were molded and broken apart from one another.  I gripped onto him, desperate to comprehend his persistence and eager to absorb every drop of his sweat permeating my hand.  Part of me was afraid for the reaction we were having to one another; this was anything but normal.  But a deeper part of me, one that screamed at my rationality to shut the hell up, it was swelling inside me, urging me to consume him entirely.  I realized how insane and utterly animalistic it sounded, but I was frenzied in the most overpoweringly amazing way.

                Before I had a chance to even comprehend it, this man yanked me into the secluded men’s bathroom in the back of the first floor.  Under normal circumstances, I would be screaming, biting, kicking, clawing, or doing whatever I could to get the heck away from him and to safety, but he felt so familiar to me, like home.

                “Anybody in here?” he hollered, his deep baritone echoing off the tiled walls.

                After a few moments of silence, he dropped my wrist, reached around me to lock the deadbolt into place and then stepped back to take me in entirely.

                “Okay,” he swallowed hard, “now… who the fuck are you?”

Part three, the final installment will be up probably tomorrow =)  Come back for more!!!

Symposium of souls

So I was on stumbleupon.com and came across this guy, http://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/4026.Pablo_Neruda

and I was instantly pulled in.  He's fantastic and I love his stuff, and it sort of inspired me to do something a little more animalistic/darker than I normally do.  That, combined with my fascination of Plato's idea that man was originally created as a being with two heads, four arms, and four legs that was separated by the Gods and cursed to forever search for their perfect other half has spawned this story.  This is part one of... um, probably three, but I might stretch it out further.  It'll take a little bit to really get to the intention of this little short story/novella, but background is key when making something worth reading, so bear with me.  Here's my attempt, hope you enjoy:

          I'd spent almost every free moment I had waiting for him to return here.  I'd been let down day after day and I'd convinced myself that this was the last time I'd do this; I'd have to squash my hopes of crossing paths with him again.  I'd only seen him a few times, and only ever from a distance.  I don't know if you believe in soul mates, but the idea of a perfect match being created and then released into the world only for you to have a minimal chance of meeting them is so astounding that the second I laid eyes on him, I became a believer.  He was rough and unkempt, but made it look so intentional that I found it easy to believe that he wanted people to have the impression that he was a bum.  Of course, for what reason, I hadn't the slightest idea.  His backpack was held together by duct tape and years of dirt and scum, and it was obvious his clothing was vintage.  Real vintage, like the stuff you find in your parent's attic, not the pretend shit that you can buy at Goodwill or those crappy "thrift" stores; no, this was the kind that Mom and Pop stowed away years before they brought you into the world, knowing that they had to grow out of the old ways they loved so much, but hoping that in the future, when they wanted to reminisce, they could simply go upstairs and rummage through their things to spark a memory that was long buried inside them.  Of course, he had probably jumped the gun, and out of a rebellious attempt at sticking it to them, decided he was going to claim the long lost things of their past as his own and sport them with indignant pride.

          I wasn't close enough to catch a whiff of him, but I imagined he didn't take the hobo look so far that he smelled of mildew and rotting flesh.  He looked clean and I got the distinct impression that he would smell like one of those Abercrombie stores, maybe not so obvious though, or at least I hoped.  His super dark hair was definitely not natural and his attempt at bed-head made him look surprisingly like a Rob Pattinson wanna-be, but not so much so that it repulsed me.

          The first time I saw him, he was reading under a tree in the quad and I literally laughed out loud to myself because he exuded this typical cry for attention and was taking this feeble stab at making him look "so retro" and one of those misunderstood guys so in touch with his feelings.  I was hardly about to give him a second glance, but he must have heard me mocking him from afar and looked up, a determined and serious grin spreading across his face.  His gaze locked on mine, making me feel this uncontrollable shiver inside my soul, however corny that sounds.  We shared more than the normal few seconds contact before the sounds of our surroundings encroached on our moment, but that was enough to ignite this irrepressible yearn I had for him, one that I didn't even know existed until the moment I realized he knew exactly what he was doing.  Thinking back, it sort of creeped me out to think that he knew he could reel me in in such a way, even though I initially found him quite cliché.

          After that moment, though, he got up and I didn't see him again for a few days.  At first, I tried to tell myself I was only returning to that spot because I wanted to, but I had only been there at that time, on that day, in that spot, because of other unforeseen circumstances that I knew weren't normal occurrences, like class getting canceled because the room where we met was flooded.  When he finally returned, I found myself trying not to stare at him, but instead, giving him a reason to stare at me, and I was hit with the realization that I had been jonesing for him, like he was a drug I was addicted to and I had been unable to get the necessary fix.  I'd deliberately worn an exceptionally attractive and revealing shirt and had taken the moment when he first sat down to slowly strip off my light jacket.  I used my fantastic peripheral vision to see that I had snagged a second of his attention, but he quickly diverted his eyes back to whatever brooding bromance novella he was so engrossed in.  I had come prepared, however, and knew that anytime he flipped a page, his head would be turned just so that he could see me out of the corner of his eye.  I waited, calculating my next move, trying desperately not to make it so obvious, so when my small window appeared, I decided I had to reach into my bag of tricks and pull out the classic hair-fall move.  I reached up and pulled out the furiously chewed-on pencil that acted as the pin in my French-twist hair grenade, allowing my long locks to explode out of itself and fall perfectly down my back and over my bare shoulders.  In the past, my hair had always proved a valuable weapon for me; its long, dark sleekness seemed to draw the attention of everyone around, males and females alike, and I'd been told more times than I could count how similar it was to the cartoon girl, Emily the Strange.  It was something I took pride in, to say the least, and I'd perfected using it to my advantage.  And it certainly didn't let me down this time.

          This time, I didn't hide my obvious attempt at making sure he saw me.  This time, I took charge and stared him straight in his eyes.  This time, I wanted to make an impression that would make him want to come back again for another glimpse.  A small and inviting, yet eerily dark grin crept over his lips, and I found myself becoming slightly aroused by the unknown yet enticing meaning behind it.  Before he could break our locked gaze, I reached down and swept up my books in my slightly shaking arms and stood from my perch on the giant stone steps.  Without looking back, I slowly sashayed away from him and into a hopeful future.

          But when I returned the next day, he wasn't there.  Nor was he there the day after or for the rest of the week.  Naturally, I assumed I'd made too bold a move and began to overanalyze and break down every gesture that I made, finally deciding if he couldn't handle the amount of fancy I purposely radiated, he certainly wasn't worth any more of my wooing.  Like any girl with a crush, because let's face it, that's exactly what this was, I spent a few nights out of my week coming up with completely unrealistic scenarios where he'd sweep me off my independent feet and make me realize exactly what I'd been missing in my life.  But getting my hopes up wasn't going to make the impact of rejection any less harmful, even if there was really nothing put out there to reject in the first place.

To Be Continued...

Hope you'll come back next week to read part two!

Wedding Poetry

Time ticks by
I sit and stare
So many things are there
I can't figure out why

I can't make myself get going
A list of things to do
Others misconstrue
None of them truly knowing

I'm ready and anxious
But unable to jump on it all
Not enough help (I'm not a catchall)
No motivation to finish

Not because I'm scared
Or because I'm changing my mind
I really want that new-name line signed
No more waiting, I need it declared.

Only a few more days
Just so ready for it to be finished
Not because I want things rushed
But because I want to say

"Hi I'm Mrs. Cain,
I'm married to this wonderful man.
Our wedding was grand
Our life will be anything but plain."

I'm not hesitating
I'm not trying to rush out of fear
I simply want the day here
So I can enjoy it, radiating and beaming.

damsel part deux

her.

                She looked down at their still-clasped hands as tears streamed down his face.  She wasn’t quite sure why she wasn’t crying.  After everything they’d been through that day, she should’ve had snot running out of her nose and down her chin.  He’d always been the strong one, and maybe that was all changing with the huge life-altering experience they just went through; they were still completely oblivious to what lie ahead of them.  Honestly, they’d already been through so much that there were many times she doubted they would make it.  They got through their last year of high school, all of the crazy and difficult college years, through the first five years of marriage, and through her entire pregnancy and they were still together and still very much in love.  Sometimes she wondered how this wonderful man practically fell into her lap; well, how she fell into his, actually.  Ever since he saved her from herself, their love and life had been a non-stop, down-hill snowball, falling faster and growing larger with every rotation.  It took her a long time to really fall in love with Damien, but from the moment he told her how great she was and how he’d been waiting for her, she knew they were meant to be in each others’ lives. 

He was the perfect man for her.  He doted on her in ways she’d never experienced before.  He was always protecting her, mostly from herself, but also from people who tried to encroach on what they had.  He gave her an unconditional love that took her years to reciprocate to the same degree he expressed.  He provided for her in any and every way he knew how.  He knew when to give her space and he knew when to push her to open up to him.  He was a gentle and enthusiastic lover and she longed for every moment when their bodies made contact, even if in such a simple way as holding hands.  Before he came along, she’d never believed in God, but simply by the way he looked at her, he helped instill faith in her, and it was something she’d never realized she was missing until it filled her from head to toe.  Her recently-found adoration and love for God had to yet to match what she felt for Damien, but she hoped someday she’d become comfortable with her belief  to say that they were equal, however inconceivable it happened to seem to her at this point in her life.

When it was finally time for them to move to the next level, she knew, without any questions that she had been one of the lucky few to find her soul mate.  Sure, it sounded corny, but Tiffany knew that he literally made her whole.  She said yes to marrying him before he even finished asking, and she’d never seen him smile so much in her life.  Things weren’t perfect by any means, they’d definitely hit snags and bumps along the way, but with him in her life, none of it affected her like it would if she had to endure on her own.

“Tiff, sweetie…” Damien said, pulling her out of her memories, “is everything okay?”

She titled her head a little and put a warm and loving smile on her face.  She reached up with her free hand and stroked his cheek, wiping away the lingering tear stains, and eventually pulling him towards her.  She closed her eyes as he leaned into her, and she inhaled him.  Though they’d been in the hospital room for hours, he smelled as he always did, fresh and manly, a deep mixture of herbal and seductive that gave her goose bumps.  She waited patiently as his lips found hers and when they finally made contact with one another, her stomach did a little flip; he was still able, after all this time, to give her butterflies.  His warm mouth enveloped hers and they melded together, fitting one another perfectly, as they had since the first time he kissed her so many years ago.  It wasn’t the same sort of crazed, sexually-driven excitement that had originally coated their touch, but had become familiar and wonderful and tender, something that occurred after years of experiencing that person in so many different ways that it hurt thinking of anything that might make it disappear.

She pulled away from the kiss and looked in his gorgeous blue eyes.  “I am fine, darling,” she finally said.

He smiled at her and cradled her cheek in his hands.

“I love you so very much,” he said, a hint of a tremble wavering over his bottom lip.  “I hope that everything turns out okay wi–”

“Sshhh,” she said, pulling him into her for a strong and soul-warming embrace, “she will be just fine.  There’s no need to worry.”

And she believed that.  She’d accepted that things were in God’s hands now, and all she could do was wait and see his plans for their life unfold as need be.

“I know, I know,” he mumbled into her shoulder as he clutched to her with all his strength.  It was rare for her to see him so vulnerable, but he’d helped her grow and build her own courage up for so long that she knew exactly what he needed of her right now, and she was more than willing to help him through this.

They suddenly heard the hospital room door creak open, and both their heads shot up, impatiently waiting for who or what came through it.  A metal cart with a large plastic container on top was wheeled to the foot of her bed.  She could see movement inside the tub and her heart swelled with anticipation.  The nurse reached down toward the movement and Damien was instantly hovering, gazing down as the nurse scooped up their newborn baby girl.

him.

                She was just as beautiful and breathtaking as her mother was, and it took every ounce of his being not to burst into tears and shouts of joy at the same time.  She was wrapped up like a cocoon and all he could see was from her neck up.  Immediately, he longed to hold her, touch her, protect her.  She had a round little face with chubby cheeks and her eyes were shut, softly slumbering, taking quick breaths in and out.  She had little hair on her head, but what was there was dark brown and long. Her skin was a pale peach color and looked softer than anything he’d ever seen.  It shone with a newness and innocence that was almost indescribable.  Her nose was perfect and her lips pulled up into an involuntary grin.  Her bottom lip kept moving in and out in a sucking motion, anticipating her first meal.

                “Would you like to hold her?” the nurse asked as she gripped his little girl in her firm arms.

                He couldn’t form words, but shook his head yes as he suppressed the tears welling up in his eyes.  The moment she was placed in his cradling embrace, he looked up at his wife.  The love of his life.  His little girl’s mother.  She smiled at him and for the first time, he saw soft tears beginning to stream down her face.  She was radiant; even hours after going through child birth she could still make him crave every ounce of her.  She was the mother of his child and he wanted to run over to her and squeeze every ounce of their combined love and friendship into this new little being.  This woman, who he’d experienced so much with, had incubated and brought into this world an amazing tiny version of them.  Every time he looked at her in the past he always saw someone he loved and admired with every ounce of his being and he never imagined there being room for anyone or anything else on that same level of emotions.  But this child, their little baby girl, from the moment he laid eyes on her, had jumped from a previously unseen kick through his wife’s belly into a viewable, touchable, loveable mini-Tiffany, and immediately was welcomed in their bubble of love, life, joy, excitement, nervousness, and who knew what else was to come. 

                He’d involuntarily tightened his grip on his daughter and she squirmed in his arms.  A little frightened, he let up and looked down at what he’d helped to create.  This little nugget, a combination of him and Tiffany, ignited something within him that he couldn’t even put into words.  He felt different, not in any particular way he could describe, but it was as if he’d been given a new responsibility without having to be asked or told.  It was almost like a birthday; you turn one year older and nothing really changes physically, but mentally you know you’ve moved onto a new stage in life, something you just know and accept without any instructions or discussion.

                He slowly walked over to his wife’s bed and she sat up a little straighter, seemingly nervous and a little scared.  He knew exactly how she felt, but he also knew that they would get through this together, like they had everything else in their lives.

                She gripped his free hand tightly and he leaned down so she could see her daughter’s face for the first time.  Her other hand shot to her mouth as she tried to stifle a cry of pure, overwhelming pleasure.

                “Oh my goodness, Damien,” she whispered, “look at her.  She’s, oh my, she’s perfect.”

                “I know Tiff, I was thinking the exact same thing.”

                She finally dropped her hand and reached out to her daughter.  She softly stroked her cheek and the little being in his arms made a soft coo and nestled deeper into his warmth.  He instantly smiled at such an innocent movement and he felt the air around them begin to brighten from anxious and a little tense to eager and ready.

                He looked over at Tiffany who was smiling just as brightly as he was and asked, “Are you ready, babe?”

                “I think so,” she said softly as she readied her arms to cradle their child.

                Once she held their daughter, they stared at her for what seemed like hours.  They spoke softly to one another about every viewable surface of her and when they finally built up enough courage between the two of them, they gently unwrapped her to get a good look at the whole package.  They carefully examined her, making sure she had a full set of digits and when they found themselves looking down at a now-open eyed little girl, they could no longer suppress the overwhelming and bubbling-over ecstasy she instilled in them.

                “You know what this means, right?” his wife softly spoke while gazing down at their still unnamed baby girl.

                “No, what?” he asked, curiosity taking over him for a moment.

                “You can’t only look out for me anymore.”

                He slowly looked over and took in his wife fully.  There she sat, holding their child, looking angelic and dazzling, yet he knew deep down she was still the same fragile, damaged soul she’d always been.  He knew he’d helped her help herself repair over all these years, but he was sure a part of her worried that he would no longer be her protector or her warrior.  But she was wrong.  He was made to love, care for, and guard her.  He would always be that for her.  Now that they had a child, his job was just stretched wide enough to include his new little family, and he accepted that responsibility with open arms.

                He grinned at her, and when she returned his affection he knew at that moment that she understood.  She was part protector and warrior for their child too.  It wasn’t just him, and because of that, because she was longer just a helpless, scared damsel in distress, but instead a mother, a wife, a lover, a friend… they knew they could get through anything that life and God put in their path.  They would raise and nurture this baby girl together, as equals.