Wednesday, March 5, 2014


Looking in the mirror and hating what you see is a shitty way to go through life... I know this because I suffer with it daily.  I give myself a few moments of disgust, then say, "I'm fat but..." and fill in the blank.

          I'm fat but... I've got a pretty smile.
          I'm fat but... I've got awesome boobs.
          I'm fat but... I've got a husband who loves me regardless.
          I'm fat but...
                    you get the picture.

And quite frankly, I hate that it has to be that way for me.  I mean, I guess it DOESN'T have to be that way, but I've conditioned myself to just accept it and move on.
               I'm so tired of it.

Other people, people who love me or are pathological liars or are just genuinely nice at heart (ugh I hate those people, don't you?!) say, "Oh my gosh!  You so aren't fat!  You're so pretty!!"  And to you I say, fuck off.  Don't get me wrong, I appreciate your kindness and your attempt at helping me cope with myself, but just stop.  Stop lying to me and stop lying to yourself.  I do think I'm pretty, on most days, but I also know that I am obese for my age/height/body frame whatever.  I'm not saying that I'm a fatty because I'm looking for pity or validation from you - it's a fucking fact.  That being said... I'm doing something about it.  I love me - I love the person I am and fully accept every single flaw that I possess, but I'm unhappy with how I've let my body go completely out the window.  I take all of the blame for that and I look at my body in disgust because that's not what I want myself to look like.  It's not because I've been brainwashed by the world/media/the man into thinking I'm supposed to fit a specific stereotypical womanly figure - I just don't want to be this size.

Like I've said before... I've never been skinny, I never will be "SKINNY," and I don't necessarily WANT to be skinny, but I want to be healthy.  I don't want to be huffing and puffing from climbing 10 steps.  I don't want to cramp up (sorry for the overshare) every time I have sex.  I don't want to say "No honey, I don't want to go on a freaking hike," because I'll be exhausted after five seconds of effort.  I don't want to have to always wear layers or one-piece bathing suits, excuse me, bathing CLOTHES, because I look like a whale.  I want to look sexy and feel comfortable with anything I put on me.

That being said... my third weigh-in is in a week and I'm truly hoping I've made more progress.  At last weigh-in (Feb. 14) I had lost another four pounds, bringing my total up to 13 pounds lost.  Since then I've increased my jogging time up to a constant 30 minutes at least 3 times a week (except for this week because it's like a winter wonderland outside and my gym partners are on vacation until next week), and I've been doing stomach/arm workouts in addition to my 3-times-a-week stationary cycling.  I've also been encouraging my mom to get fit and have been doing her Richard Simmons tapes with her; as corny as they are, they still burn calories people!  And of course, I can feel my clothes fitting looser.  I bought a new pair of jeans (not jeggings!) that are a size down from what I was wearing (am still wearing honestly, because I'm not buying clothes until I have reached my absolute goal - I feel if I replace my wardrobe, I may grow "okay" with that small accomplishment and stop!)  Noone's really commented on seeing a visible difference (though some family members have said that I "look great" and should keep up the hard work) and I can't really see one either, but that's okay.  I'm not at my goal yet, and this isn't about other people's opinion or perspective of me.  I DO hope that my husband will notice something, however.  I will have been away from him for two months by the time he sees me in person again, and seeings how he sees me more than any other person, that will be a true testament to the work I've been doing if he can see even the slightest change.

Anywho... I will keep you updated, and hopefully will have some more material to share with you all shortly.  I've been working on some things that aren't quite ready yet.

Until next time...

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