I had quite the shitty day yesterday; well actually it was just about 20 minutes of yesterday that was shitty. Isn't that weird? How your entire day can be fine, save for a few choice minutes, and you automatically erase the goodness and let the badness take it over... Nonetheless, I broke down and had a moment. One of many moments I've had throughout my life where I'm overcome with frustration and anger and annoyance and my tear ducts react by sending me into unstoppable crying. This wasn't the violent, sob-filled bawling or anything, but it was enough that once it started, it just kept coming. It felt good to unload that, as if I'd been unknowingly holding it in for who knows how long - I just hate that it always has to burden my loved ones. I know that they are there for me for this exact reason, well for many reasons, this is just one. But here I am, an ocean away, by choice mind you, from my husband, and we're having a perfectly fine conversation and then I just turn. I allow my own insecurities and anger and unhappiness with one particular aspect of my life to consume me so wholly that I just explode it all over him. As always he's understanding and caring and calm and loving and gentle with me, still firm that to accomplish what I've set out for myself takes hard work and harder work, but he tries to get where I'm coming from. The overall feeling was definitely that of frustration and looking back on it today I realize, as I often do the morning after an emotional outburst, that I probably overreacted. I dunno if it's because I'm the "feely" type, which I totally am, or if it's because I'm weak-willed or easily breakable or overly-expectant but when it comes to changing ME, I always feel so incompetent.
I've experienced hard things in my life, but for whatever reason, weight loss and lifestyle change is a difficult one. I'm still making progress - I don't think I've hit a plateau, and I hope to stay on the path of success here, but I feel like nothing about me has changed. Okay, the obvious, OBVIOUSLY - the fact that I can last for a solid thirty minutes of jogging, I can limit my caloric intake to under 1500 a day, I feel a little more defined (biceps, calves, core - inner not outter)... but that's it. I don't see a difference and when I think too hard on what I do to myself every day, I immediately hate it. I DO NOT enjoy physical activity One. Freaking. Bit. I do not think, "Holy shit that was an amazing workout! I feel so great!" ever. EVER. I KNOW it's only been 3 months, I get that, and there's no written rule that says you HAVE to love being fit and healthy, but I don't know a single person who is fit and healthy that seriously doesn't enjoy it. It's not even that what I'm doing is too painful or hard or long. I know I CAN lift that weight or jog those miles or pull on that rowing machine or do those Russian twists... I don't mind the struggle or the pain behind what I'm doing. I hate the act of doing it. I feel like I'm wasting precious moments of my life doing something I thoroughly do not enjoy. I feel like my efforts will not be enough. I feel like it's gonna take me ten years to get where I want, and then when I do, it'll be time for babies and all that weight will come right back. And then what was that struggle and effort and time for?
I know I sound like a whiny brat, I get that. I hate people like me in this moment, but I'm sure I'm not the only one out there who absolutely loathes fitting a workout into Every. Single. Day. I'm sure I'm not the only one who's capable of limiting her food intake, but still starving when her head hits the pillow at night. I'm sure I'm not the only one who wishes that it came easier. Again, this isn't for pity... it's for those of you who may be in the same boat as me. Thinking that no one can possibly understand the utter distaste left in your mouth after cardio. Those of you who think that lifting that kettlebell is one more swing that will amount to nothing in the end. Those of you who, even though you may see a slight difference in the fit of your jeans, still only see rolls and fat and flab and thickness everywhere you look. I understand. I know this takes time, trust me, and I've lost weight in these past three months, I have, but it's not even about the weight in this moment. It's about the fact that no matter what I try, I hate it. Even when I know I feel those endorphins kicking in, when I do manage a small smile at the accomplishment I've made, it's not for the act of what I'm doing, it's simply because I got through it and it's over.
Ugh. Okay, I'm done. I'm over it. I'll move on and get through it. I have no intentions of quitting, I will make my goal weight, no matter the hatred I have for getting there... so this complaining is entirely futile, I realize.
In other news... I have started writing out loud again!! It's so weird where inspiration can come from. I was watching some random detective drama on TV, passing the time while dinner was cooking, and there was this scene where this couple's daughter had been kidnapped. The mother was crying and trying to tell the detective details she was asking for, and then it just became too much for her. She turned into her husband, and looked up at him and he gently touched her cheek, conveying buckets of emotion, particularly love, so strongly in just that tiny touch and it rocked me a bit. Kudos for that actor guy there, but seriously, the show of love, of adoration and affection in just a simple touch. And the way she melted into it and fell into him entirely, it was incredible. And I sat there thinking, wow... that's something I hope to achieve with my writing one day. And just like that, I was up, grabbing my computer and typing away. I've been jotting things down here and there over the past few months, as I said I would in my 2014 to-do list, but this was the first time I devoted an entire evening to my world. And then it came again the next evening and the next. Now, when I'm not reading someone else's world, I'm constantly thinking about MY story. It's nice to feel that again. Speaking of which... I've dedicated entirely too much time feeling sorry for myself in this post so, I'm outtie. Got some supernatural creatures to go attend to.
Until next time...