Wednesday, January 8, 2014

me + him

sometimes my own thoughts condemn me.
it's quite a depressing way of life, but it's true.
if you know anything about me, you know i don't believe in depression, so that's not my problem.
i feel people use depression as an excuse to not do things in their own lives; an excuse to lay around all mopey and sad and useless because they are too scared/lazy/uncaring to face the world and all its harsh realities and difficulties.
you may say i've never been in such a dark place that i'd truly know what depression feels like therefore who am i to know if it's real or if it could have a hold on me.
you don't know me.
you don't know the things i've seen/done/felt/experienced.
i don't give a damn if you dislike me because of my belief in the nonexistence of depression.

moving on.

i struggle, everyday.
with myself, my life, my relationships, the unknown.
i'm sure my struggles don't measure up to other people's real life hardships, like not having a home or food or family or someone to love, but in this moment, i'm gonna be selfish and focus on me for a change.
none of my struggles are really significant in the grand scheme of things, this i know, but they affect me everyday in differing degrees of strength.
most of these struggles are internal, like i said condemning thoughts.
i'm too fat.
i'm too judgmental.
i'm too naggy.
i'm too lazy.
i lack ambition that i was once so praised for having.
(should i really have a job? is he just saying he's okay with it because he doesn't want to seem demanding?)
i slack off on the important wifey duties.

before i continue, know this is not about you.
this is not about me seeking pity.
i don't do that.
this is my outlet. my way of organizing my own thoughts and being held accountable for them.
this is how i sort out my struggles and come to the realization that i'm better off than i think.

moving on.

i'm too needy.
i expect too much from my husband.
i don't expect enough from myself.
i expect too much from myself.
death scares me.
emotions make me emotional.
i lack an inner drive to tackle difficult things.
this debt seems never ending.
(where will we be in six months?)
i let people take advantage of me.

this list could last for days, so let's get to the point.

the point is that i'm tired of never measuring up to the ideas in my head.
i'm tired of having expectations and hopes and dreams and either never achieving them or them failing right before me.
i'm tired of other people voicing their distaste in my way of living my own life.
i have every right to not be okay with me, but fuck you.
if you have a problem with the way i do things, buy a ticket and stand in the line for the show, "samantha doesn't give a shit what you think."
i am my own worst enemy, my first and biggest critic, the one who holds me up to the highest standard and knows first and foremost that things aren't going as i'd planned.

so STOP.

i'm making the most of my life in this current moment.
i'm figuring out how to be happy and successful, and everything isn't always clicking, but i'll get there.
i don't need you condemning me too.
i know that eventually things i want to happen will... when i start putting in more of an effort.
i've set clear goals and i will achieve them, i just lack patience (add that to the list).

but when i get like this, i think of him.
he is my salvation.
yes, jesus christ is an amazing entity, and god is my lord and savior, but that's not who i'm talking about.
i'm talking about the man whom i love with every fiber of my being, the person who (besides my mom) is my biggest fan, supporter, the first person up to champion me in everything i do.
the best thing i've done in my life so far was to marry him.
he helps remind me that i'm not a failure.
he helps light my way when i'm blinded by self-inflicted darkness.
he realizes any struggle that comes upon me i can face head-on, even when i don't want to.

me + him = strength.
                  a clear mind.

when he reassures me, it lasts for a few fleeting moments, but knowing that he takes the time to try is what sticks with me.
he knows how this crazy mind works and he still tries, every moment of every day, to calm it.
he knows that i'm the worst at judging myself yet he loves me more than anyone can.
he knows that i have hopes and dreams and he always encourages me to follow them.

me + him = why my condemning mind doesn't get the best of me.

so these moments of self-doubt and momentary hate are simply fleeting.
i have accomplished some things, and i let my doubt get the better of me, blinding me from that fact.
i have amazing qualities about me too.
i have the strength to get myself out of my rut, but having him there to help me do so is the greatest gift this life has granted me.
i'm capable of surviving alone, but i don't want to.
he is proof that i can do something right
his encouragement is why someday i know i will accomplish all those goals.

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