Sunday, April 22, 2012


          There are moments when I'm sitting in this cold, empty house, curled up under a blanket and staring at these walls covered with so many memories, and I'm suddenly struck with this... feeling.  I can never put a name or explanation to the way it creeps over me and squeezes my insides - anxiety, anticipation, hope, desire - I can never quite articulate what it is, this driving emotion, but it makes me long.  Long for you, for your closeness, your comfort, your touch.  Long for that moment when I feel like this weight has been lifted off of me and I know that you're only a breath, a stretch, a turn of the head away.  It makes me want to let tears stream down my face and sobs escape trembling lips.  It makes me want to jump in my car and go to where you are, where I can feel you and see you in the flesh.  It makes me feel uneasy; knowing you have this sort of involuntary control over me.  It makes me feel complete; knowing that I have someone, that I have you, this man whom I love and desire so dearly that my body literally doesn't know how to function without you near me.
          And then the time finally comes where I do get to see you, touch you, smell you, and it feels as if I am finally reentering my own skin again.  It's as if I had been disconnected from everything, shutting myself off until I could once again experience the world with you right by my side.  The feeling disappears.  The uneasiness, the tension, the distress, the internal struggle - it all just melts away.  Knowing how it feels to simply be separated from you for short periods of time make me absolutely dread the day when I must endure life without you for longer intervals.  Knowing how it feels to simply be separated from you momentarily makes me shudder with unadulterated fear at what life would be like without you, period.
          Call me dependent, say I'm helpless and clingy, whisper that I can't survive on my own, and honestly, I don't care.  I'd rather be called those things than live my life without you in it every moment of every day.  I loathe the time we spend apart and anticipate with every fiber of my being, every hair on my body, every single cell within me the next time I'll get to feel your breath ripple across my skin, encounter the brush of your skin against my own, get to embrace your body against mine.  I live for the moments when it's just us two, sharing the same space, hearing the same noises, smelling the same air, simply being in the same place and time.
          I've found the man whom I love more and more everyday, and I just want to live out our lives together.  It's as simple as that.  I've found you, I get to keep you, and I want to be with you.  Is that too much to ask?

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