Wednesday, May 30, 2012

A Series of Ridiculous Events

I've always regarded myself as a strong, stable, independent woman.  But recently, within the past six months or so, I've discovered that in fact I am a weak, overly emotional, dependent, girl.  Don't get me wrong, I love my husband and the way he lifts me up and how much we both lean on each other, but this feeling of helplessness is getting annoying.   Struggling to get out of bed because I don't want to face the day without him.  Not wanting to do anything fun because I don't want to smile if he's not around.  Not being able to look on the bright side of things because everything looks gloomy when I can't share things with him.  I can't decipher if it's an utter lack of fortitude and backbone on my part or if this is the way it's supposed to feel.  I scream to God that all I want is to be with him - that is why I married him, to be with him.  I didn't devote my life to only his because I want to spend my days and nights crying, frowning, saddened, and immobile.  I married him because I want to spend time with him, kiss him whenever I feel the urge, begin and end my days with his head on the pillow beside mine, see the world (or at least the US, but that's turning into a more literal interpretation!), and make a family and a life together.  But that seems like an impossibility, or at least that's how my emotions are interpreting these turn of events.

Of course I do get out of bed, I do smile, I go out and do some fun things, I spend time with family because soon I won't be able to, and I'm productive in multiple ways.  I know that only I can change how I'm feeling and how I spend my time - I don't believe in depression and I don't feel I am "depressed."  I know what I have to do and I do it, but it seems that the pent up frustration and emotions come out in the form of anger towards my husband.  None of this is his fault - he didn't choose this profession and this lifestyle so that we'd be apart - but no one else can take what I have to say and grasp how I'm feeling in my own way except for him and he seems to be getting the brunt of all this.

If I had a timeline or a deadline to this separation, I think I'd be coping much better.  I'd have something other than "soon" to look forward to.  I wouldn't have to take a deep sigh and steel myself before answering, "When are you leaving?" knowing the only answer I have is "I DON'T KNOW!"  I'd know when I'd get to be with him again, and I'd know it'd finally be for longer than a week.  Out there in the world, I know there are other women who go through so much worse when it comes to their husbands who are serving.  They have year-long deployments or a husband who gets sent to a hostile environment.  So next to them, I seem even more petty and even more pathetic.  And I feel for them and I'm sure that at some point in the next 20 years I'll have to experience that and I'll utterly fall apart.  But for now, this is the hardest thing I've had to do and it's hell.  It's hard.  It's frustrating.  And I don't like it...

          but I'll do it.  Because I love him.  I love us.  I love what is going to be.  I need to find a way to get through this without taking it out on him or other people that I love.  I need to buck up and grow a spine.  And I need to stop complaining about it because I knew what I was going into before we started this journey.  I chose this too, and even if it's the hardest thing I've ever done, for him I'd do anything.

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