Excerpt from "Finding Myself"

I've written and completed a manuscript entitled Finding Myself, here's a look...

            When we got to her hospital room, I thought my legs were going to crumble beneath the unbearable weight of my shame and guilt.  It seemed as if everything hit me like an uncontrollable wave crashing into the shore.  I wasn’t sure if I should feel like this, but I couldn’t help it.  It wasn’t simply that I felt sorry for Lydia, or that I was blaming myself for this; I had forgotten who she was to me all these years.  She had always been my other half – I’d conveniently let my jealousy and selfishness overtake me; that was not the person I was or wanted to be.  I was that girl who apologized for things that weren’t her fault.  I was that girl who never said what she was truly thinking; I bit my tongue.  I was that girl who could forgive and forget.  Why was it, then, that I allowed myself to cause this mayhem?  My mother most certainly wasn’t going to forgive me and I couldn’t, or wouldn’t expect any absolution from Lydia.  But there was still this undeniable feeling in the pit of my stomach that made me wonder, why did I have to apologize for who I was or who I wanted to be?  Would they ever be willing to do the same?

            I looked up as we walked into the dimly lit room.  Cooper was asleep on the horrible excuse for a couch.  Lydia was lying down with her back propped up, talking softly to Stella, who was sitting in a chair at her side.  When they heard us shuffle in the room, their eyes furiously shot over to Samuel and me.

            “WHAT are you doing here?” Stella asked angrily as she shot up out of her chair.

            Samuel’s expression was pleading, but his tense body screamed anger.  He didn’t say a word, though.

            “I… well,” I began, “I thought that we should come.”

            “It’s a little late for sympathy or support, dontcha think Izabelle?” Stella continued.  “I think you should just leave right now.”

            “Stella,” I began, then looked over at my sister“… Lydia… I know you probably blame me for all this, but I think it’s more important that I apologize for my behavior,”  Here I go again… apologizing for something I don’t really feel I should.

            “AGAIN,” Stella interrupted, “a little late for that.”

            Lydia, who had been staring down at her folded hands finally spoke, “Thanks for coming.  I’m sure it was hard for you…” she paused and looked up at me, “but there’s really no reason for you to be here.”

            It felt like the wind had been knocked out of me and my knees finally did give out from right underneath me.  Samuel quickly turned to brace me, too quickly in fact, because his elbow grazed the tray at the foot of the hospital bed and a cup went crashing to the floor.  Cooper shot up from his slumber and came immediately to his feet when he saw us standing there.

            “Sammy,” he half questioned, half stated.

            Samuel nodded at him, but never let me go.  Cooper looked over at Lydia who was silently crying, and Stella, who was still glaring at me.  I wondered how a mother could ever look at her own daughter in that way.  Samuel looked down at me and we exchanged a glance, allowing him the peace of mind that he could release me.  Cooper’s gaze had returned to us and when he saw Samuel let me go, he took a small step toward him.  Samuel slowly returned the gesture, but began lifting his arms in the form of a welcoming hug.  At first, Cooper’s expression showed his overwhelming skepticism, but once he came to the realization that this was actually happening, he lunged into his older brother’s arms.  They embraced for quite a while, and I could see that they missed each other greatly.

            When they let go, I saw Stella grimace out of the corner of my eye.  How can she be like this? I thought to myself.  I am her daughter… Samuel is the love of my life and she can’t see any side but her own.

            “Do you want to talk in the hall?” Cooper asked Samuel quietly.

            Samuel glanced at me, worried to leave me in the pit of hell by myself.  I gave a completely relieved smile and a strong nod, letting him know how proud I was that he decided to reconcile his differences with his best friend.  They left quietly and I stood, feet planted, looking at my sister and mother.  I knew this wasn’t going to be resolved at this moment, or maybe ever, but they had to at least listen to my side of everything; at least, I was going to try and explain.

            “Look,” I began, “I know you both hate me for all I said to you and about you,” I nodded my head in Lydia’s direction in particular, “but I meant every word.”

            Their eyes widened and Stella replied, “If you came here to place more fault on us, believe me, we’ve heard far too much of that al–”

            “No…” I interrupted, “let me finish.”  I waited a minute for them to exchange glances and to calm down a bit.  “So all of it was valid… I’m tired of just ignoring things and pretending nothing ever happened.  My entire life has been spent suppressing my true feelings about my childhood.  I don’t want these feelings anymore.”

            “Neither do I, Tub,” Lydia responded, “but I didn’t blow things up and rub every mistake in yours and mom’s faces.  I just let it go…”

            “I CAN’T!” I cut in.  “I’m different from you.  I’m not okay with the way things went for us.  I’ve never been able to say any of this before.  You don’t like to listen to it…” I gestured with my hands toward Lydia, “and you pretend it didn’t happen,” I gestured toward Stella.  “I can’t do that. Stella…” I paused, a long pause, “see, just that… not being able to call you mom, it kills me.  Do you know what it was like to have kids ask me why I called you by your first name?”  No emotion showed on her face at all.  I have to get through to her, I thought.  “Do you know what it was like to explain to teachers why my mother was an hour late picking me up more often than not, if you remembered to pick me up at all?  Or why I wore the same clothes day after day for an entire week?  I was ashamed and afraid to tell them that you sold all our stuff to buy drugs, I didn’t have anything else to wear.  I couldn’t tell them you forgot about me every day because you were snorting cocaine and ‘entertaining men,’” I made air-quotes with my fingers trying to pretty-up the fact that she was a prostitute.  “I couldn’t tell them you hated me and never wanted children in the first place, that calling you Mom or Mother would just be a constant reminder of something you didn’t want to be and were cursed with.”

            I looked down at the floor and the tension in the air was creeping in, wrapping its ugly hands around my neck and strangling me.

            “I didn’t come here for this,” I whispered.  “I just wanted to be here for Lydia in her time of despair.”  I was unsure if they even heard me.

            “Izzie,” Lydia said, “I know things were very hard for you, but I went through it all too.  I had to avoid those same lingering questions and…”

            “Yea, Lydia, you did…” I paused before speaking the next words, “but I didn’t up and leave you,” I responded with scorn.

            “You’re right,” she said softly, “but you did have me in the beginning.  I had no one until you came along.”  I couldn’t tell if she was speaking so quietly because she hated thinking about this as much as I did or if she was trying to spare Stella the sting of her truthful words.

            “So… because I was seven years too late, you punished me by leaving me to fend for myself.  You abandoned me like Stella had already done.”

            Lydia had tears streaming down her face.  I looked at Stella, who was sitting, staring at the wall.  She seemed to be in a state of shock and I wondered if what we were saying was in vain; was she even hearing what was being said?  This was for her.

            “I love you Izzie… I really do, with all my heart,” Lydia took a deep breath, “but life isn’t all about you.”  She paused for a moment.  “Everyone suffers, we both got a huge, heaping serving of crap for our life, but you have to move on from this… I have.  You weren’t the only one who experienced all that, it isn’t all about you,” she repeated even quieter than the first time.

            “Oh…” I breathed out.  I was a little put out by her words, especially since nothing was ever “all about me” as she’d said.  But in her eyes, at least she was being honest with me, and I had to have some appreciation for that.  I had tried for so long to push everything into the back of my mind, but with all that happened recently, it was hard to not let these issues rise to the surface.  I was ready to settle this, even if not for my own benefit, but I still wondered if they were as willing.

            “I’m sorry Izzie… Lydia…” Stella said suddenly, “I know I was… no am a horrible mother.  There’s no excuse for how I treated you and made you feel.”  She was almost breathing the words out, mumbling silently.  “I was so stunned to know I had become pregnant.  I didn’t know how to take care of a child.  I was on my own, completely broke, felt sorry for myself, and tried my damndest to get rid of the pain I felt every day.”

            “That’s a shit-ass justification, Stella,” I said, quite calmly.  “You left your parents willingly when you found out about Lydia because you were too scared to tell them the truth.  And yeah, it’s obvious that you were only thinking about yourself because you’ve never taken care of us a day in your life.  And your pain you speak of… you’ve tried to rid yourself of it for over 20 years.  Don’t you think it’s time for you to move on from all this self-pity?”  

            I heard the squeak of rubber on the over-waxed flooring of the hospital room.  I turned my head to the left and saw Cooper and Samuel with smiles on their faces entering the room.  Lydia immediately reached up and brushed the tears away from her face and Stella stood up and left the room without saying a word.  She brushed between the brothers and knocked Samuel off balance, following it up with, “Stupid oaf… get out of the damn way.”

            Samuel glanced at the two of us still left in the room and instantly caught on to the emotion in the air; Cooper was a bit more clueless.

            “Hey babe,” he said on his way to Lydia’s side.  He leaned down and kissed the top of her head.  She forced out a stiff smile and self-consciously brushed her hair behind her ear while turning her gaze back to her folded hands.

            “So ole Sammy and I had a lot to talk about.  I caught him up on the occurrences of the past few days.”  He turned his gaze to me, “I’m sure he’ll relay the information, Iz.”

            I shook my head to let him I know I understood and returned my attention to Lydia.  She was now looking up at me and our eyes connected.  I wanted to convey my compassion and apologies and utter heartbreak for her.  Could a simple gaze do that?  I knew that if I didn’t do something, right now, I might lose her forever.  I couldn’t bear to lose her like I’d already lost my mother. Even if I did end up reconciling with Stella, I would never have the relationship with her that I truly wanted.  Lydia was the first to look away, and I didn’t mind; I understood.  Not only, by sitting in this hospital, was she being put on display for all to sympathize for and with, but she couldn’t run away and hide like Stella had already done.  I glanced at Cooper, who was aimlessly fiddling with the stuff on her bedside table.  I turned my head to Samuel who was staring intently at me, as if he knew what I was going to do before even I did.  He gave me a wonderful smile, bringing up the corner of one side of his lip higher than the other.  I returned the gesture and closed my eyes.  After taking a deep breath, I looked back at Lydia who was crying even harder now, still without sound.  I slowly began moving the muscles in my leg to step forward.  I hesitated for a second, What if she doesn’t want to make amends with me?  She has Cooper now, right?  She has Stella, more than she ever has… certainly more than I ever will.  Like she said, I’m being selfish.  I can see she’s in pain, but she’ll move on from it like she always does.  I hate to even think it, but could this ‘miscarriage’ be another attempt at gaining attention?  Will she… all this, ever change?  I felt a small tear trickle down my face and I wiped it away before anyone could notice.  I rested my foot in place.  I can’t do this, I thought.  I turned to Samuel and his smile was gone.  He mouthed to me, “Oh, Izzie,” and very slowly closed his eyes and shook his head.  I think he understood that I wasn’t going to do anything, and I could definitely read the sadness on his face.  My stomach turned and I felt like I was going to throw up if I didn’t leave the room.  I turned my body completely toward the door.

            “I’m sorry we… I caused so much trouble by coming here.  I can see I’m not wanted.”  With that, I turned and left the room.  Once I hit the hallway, I began to run.  I knew it was probably a bad idea, but I had to escape.  I had to get out.  The walls were coming in on me.  Everything was continuing to fall underneath me, disappearing.  I wasn’t sure if Samuel was following me, and I honestly didn’t care.  I had to get out.

            When I hit the exit, I realized that rain was pouring from the sky.  I knew the second I stepped out from underneath the awning I was going to be drenched, but I didn’t care about that either.  I kept running until I hit the sidewalk.  I stopped and began heaving, taking in huge gasps of air.  I wasn’t sure if what I was feeling was anger or frustration or grief or aching… longing for that which I just let slip through my fingers.  Without an ounce of hurry in my body, I tilted my head back to let the rain wash it all away.  I closed my eyes and soaked everything in.  I remained there, letting the water drop on my face and slide down my body.  I didn’t care if everyone in the world was staring, I just wanted this feeling, this aching to go away.

            I felt a soft touch on my shoulder and knew right away that it was Samuel.

            “Izzie…” he whispered to me.  He let his fingers linger on my shoulder for a moment.  I gradually dropped my head back to its normal position and turned to face him.  There we were, standing in the middle of a storm… just us two.  I stared into his longing eyes, they were worried and I could tell my actions were affecting him deeply.

            I tilted my head a bit and gave him what I hoped was a reassuring smile.  I reached up and softly stroked his cheek.  He gave me a confused look and I knew he didn’t truly understand what was running through my mind.  I wanted to feel nothing… I wanted the numbness to come on, but I knew it wouldn’t.  I’d be aching for a while, if I didn’t find a way to fix all this.  But how would I go about that?  He couldn’t answer that for me, and I think he knew that.

            “You ready?” I asked him softly with a surprisingly steady voice.

            He just took my hand from his face and held it in his own, leading me to our car.

Wedding Poetry

Time ticks by
I sit and stare
So many things are there
I can't figure out why

I can't make myself get going
A list of things to do
Others misconstrue
None of them truly knowing

I'm ready and anxious
But unable to jump on it all
Not enough help (I'm not a catchall)
No motivation to finish

Not because I'm scared
Or because I'm changing my mind
I really want that new-name line signed
No more waiting, I need it declared.

Only a few more days
Just so ready for it to be finished
Not because I want things rushed
But because I want to say

"Hi I'm Mrs. Cain,
I'm married to this wonderful man.
Our wedding was grand
Our life will be anything but plain."

I'm not hesitating
I'm not trying to rush out of fear
I simply want the day here
So I can enjoy it, radiating and beaming.

damsel part deux

her.

                She looked down at their still-clasped hands as tears streamed down his face.  She wasn’t quite sure why she wasn’t crying.  After everything they’d been through that day, she should’ve had snot running out of her nose and down her chin.  He’d always been the strong one, and maybe that was all changing with the huge life-altering experience they just went through; they were still completely oblivious to what lie ahead of them.  Honestly, they’d already been through so much that there were many times she doubted they would make it.  They got through their last year of high school, all of the crazy and difficult college years, through the first five years of marriage, and through her entire pregnancy and they were still together and still very much in love.  Sometimes she wondered how this wonderful man practically fell into her lap; well, how she fell into his, actually.  Ever since he saved her from herself, their love and life had been a non-stop, down-hill snowball, falling faster and growing larger with every rotation.  It took her a long time to really fall in love with Damien, but from the moment he told her how great she was and how he’d been waiting for her, she knew they were meant to be in each others’ lives. 

He was the perfect man for her.  He doted on her in ways she’d never experienced before.  He was always protecting her, mostly from herself, but also from people who tried to encroach on what they had.  He gave her an unconditional love that took her years to reciprocate to the same degree he expressed.  He provided for her in any and every way he knew how.  He knew when to give her space and he knew when to push her to open up to him.  He was a gentle and enthusiastic lover and she longed for every moment when their bodies made contact, even if in such a simple way as holding hands.  Before he came along, she’d never believed in God, but simply by the way he looked at her, he helped instill faith in her, and it was something she’d never realized she was missing until it filled her from head to toe.  Her recently-found adoration and love for God had to yet to match what she felt for Damien, but she hoped someday she’d become comfortable with her belief  to say that they were equal, however inconceivable it happened to seem to her at this point in her life.

When it was finally time for them to move to the next level, she knew, without any questions that she had been one of the lucky few to find her soul mate.  Sure, it sounded corny, but Tiffany knew that he literally made her whole.  She said yes to marrying him before he even finished asking, and she’d never seen him smile so much in her life.  Things weren’t perfect by any means, they’d definitely hit snags and bumps along the way, but with him in her life, none of it affected her like it would if she had to endure on her own.

“Tiff, sweetie…” Damien said, pulling her out of her memories, “is everything okay?”

She titled her head a little and put a warm and loving smile on her face.  She reached up with her free hand and stroked his cheek, wiping away the lingering tear stains, and eventually pulling him towards her.  She closed her eyes as he leaned into her, and she inhaled him.  Though they’d been in the hospital room for hours, he smelled as he always did, fresh and manly, a deep mixture of herbal and seductive that gave her goose bumps.  She waited patiently as his lips found hers and when they finally made contact with one another, her stomach did a little flip; he was still able, after all this time, to give her butterflies.  His warm mouth enveloped hers and they melded together, fitting one another perfectly, as they had since the first time he kissed her so many years ago.  It wasn’t the same sort of crazed, sexually-driven excitement that had originally coated their touch, but had become familiar and wonderful and tender, something that occurred after years of experiencing that person in so many different ways that it hurt thinking of anything that might make it disappear.

She pulled away from the kiss and looked in his gorgeous blue eyes.  “I am fine, darling,” she finally said.

He smiled at her and cradled her cheek in his hands.

“I love you so very much,” he said, a hint of a tremble wavering over his bottom lip.  “I hope that everything turns out okay wi–”

“Sshhh,” she said, pulling him into her for a strong and soul-warming embrace, “she will be just fine.  There’s no need to worry.”

And she believed that.  She’d accepted that things were in God’s hands now, and all she could do was wait and see his plans for their life unfold as need be.

“I know, I know,” he mumbled into her shoulder as he clutched to her with all his strength.  It was rare for her to see him so vulnerable, but he’d helped her grow and build her own courage up for so long that she knew exactly what he needed of her right now, and she was more than willing to help him through this.

They suddenly heard the hospital room door creak open, and both their heads shot up, impatiently waiting for who or what came through it.  A metal cart with a large plastic container on top was wheeled to the foot of her bed.  She could see movement inside the tub and her heart swelled with anticipation.  The nurse reached down toward the movement and Damien was instantly hovering, gazing down as the nurse scooped up their newborn baby girl.

him.

                She was just as beautiful and breathtaking as her mother was, and it took every ounce of his being not to burst into tears and shouts of joy at the same time.  She was wrapped up like a cocoon and all he could see was from her neck up.  Immediately, he longed to hold her, touch her, protect her.  She had a round little face with chubby cheeks and her eyes were shut, softly slumbering, taking quick breaths in and out.  She had little hair on her head, but what was there was dark brown and long. Her skin was a pale peach color and looked softer than anything he’d ever seen.  It shone with a newness and innocence that was almost indescribable.  Her nose was perfect and her lips pulled up into an involuntary grin.  Her bottom lip kept moving in and out in a sucking motion, anticipating her first meal.

                “Would you like to hold her?” the nurse asked as she gripped his little girl in her firm arms.

                He couldn’t form words, but shook his head yes as he suppressed the tears welling up in his eyes.  The moment she was placed in his cradling embrace, he looked up at his wife.  The love of his life.  His little girl’s mother.  She smiled at him and for the first time, he saw soft tears beginning to stream down her face.  She was radiant; even hours after going through child birth she could still make him crave every ounce of her.  She was the mother of his child and he wanted to run over to her and squeeze every ounce of their combined love and friendship into this new little being.  This woman, who he’d experienced so much with, had incubated and brought into this world an amazing tiny version of them.  Every time he looked at her in the past he always saw someone he loved and admired with every ounce of his being and he never imagined there being room for anyone or anything else on that same level of emotions.  But this child, their little baby girl, from the moment he laid eyes on her, had jumped from a previously unseen kick through his wife’s belly into a viewable, touchable, loveable mini-Tiffany, and immediately was welcomed in their bubble of love, life, joy, excitement, nervousness, and who knew what else was to come. 

                He’d involuntarily tightened his grip on his daughter and she squirmed in his arms.  A little frightened, he let up and looked down at what he’d helped to create.  This little nugget, a combination of him and Tiffany, ignited something within him that he couldn’t even put into words.  He felt different, not in any particular way he could describe, but it was as if he’d been given a new responsibility without having to be asked or told.  It was almost like a birthday; you turn one year older and nothing really changes physically, but mentally you know you’ve moved onto a new stage in life, something you just know and accept without any instructions or discussion.

                He slowly walked over to his wife’s bed and she sat up a little straighter, seemingly nervous and a little scared.  He knew exactly how she felt, but he also knew that they would get through this together, like they had everything else in their lives.

                She gripped his free hand tightly and he leaned down so she could see her daughter’s face for the first time.  Her other hand shot to her mouth as she tried to stifle a cry of pure, overwhelming pleasure.

                “Oh my goodness, Damien,” she whispered, “look at her.  She’s, oh my, she’s perfect.”

                “I know Tiff, I was thinking the exact same thing.”

                She finally dropped her hand and reached out to her daughter.  She softly stroked her cheek and the little being in his arms made a soft coo and nestled deeper into his warmth.  He instantly smiled at such an innocent movement and he felt the air around them begin to brighten from anxious and a little tense to eager and ready.

                He looked over at Tiffany who was smiling just as brightly as he was and asked, “Are you ready, babe?”

                “I think so,” she said softly as she readied her arms to cradle their child.

                Once she held their daughter, they stared at her for what seemed like hours.  They spoke softly to one another about every viewable surface of her and when they finally built up enough courage between the two of them, they gently unwrapped her to get a good look at the whole package.  They carefully examined her, making sure she had a full set of digits and when they found themselves looking down at a now-open eyed little girl, they could no longer suppress the overwhelming and bubbling-over ecstasy she instilled in them.

                “You know what this means, right?” his wife softly spoke while gazing down at their still unnamed baby girl.

                “No, what?” he asked, curiosity taking over him for a moment.

                “You can’t only look out for me anymore.”

                He slowly looked over and took in his wife fully.  There she sat, holding their child, looking angelic and dazzling, yet he knew deep down she was still the same fragile, damaged soul she’d always been.  He knew he’d helped her help herself repair over all these years, but he was sure a part of her worried that he would no longer be her protector or her warrior.  But she was wrong.  He was made to love, care for, and guard her.  He would always be that for her.  Now that they had a child, his job was just stretched wide enough to include his new little family, and he accepted that responsibility with open arms.

                He grinned at her, and when she returned his affection he knew at that moment that she understood.  She was part protector and warrior for their child too.  It wasn’t just him, and because of that, because she was longer just a helpless, scared damsel in distress, but instead a mother, a wife, a lover, a friend… they knew they could get through anything that life and God put in their path.  They would raise and nurture this baby girl together, as equals.

damsel

him.

          He watched her longingly as she happily made her way around the party, much like he had since the first time he laid eyes on her in fourth grade.  She'd been short and chubby then, clutching to her pet gerbil.  It was the second day of school and Tiffany barged into the classroom in tears.  She explained to a roomful of watching classmates that her mom had gotten a cat and she was petrified that she'd come home to a mangled and ultimately dead gerbil if she left him alone and defenseless.  She pleaded with their teacher to make Gerb, as she'd named him, the class pet as the only means of keeping him alive.  Even then, her practiced skills of reasoning and logic were ones to be pitted against used car salesmen.  It'd only taken her ten minutes to convince their teacher that the classroom, up until then, hadn't been whole, and that the gerbil was the key to making the atmosphere more welcoming.

          He blinked away the memory and focused on the now.  He'd loved her for years, though she didn't have a clue.  He'd watched from afar as she grew older and became a beautiful young woman.  He'd been lingering on the outskirts of their shared clique as she'd finally gotten boobs, the ones that eventually helped deem her "the class whore."  All he could do was stand by idly, afraid if he stepped in that she would banish him from her life altogether.  So he just accepted her for the girl she'd chosen to become.  But she was very unlike the typical stereotype, because she also doubled as their class valedictorian, something that kept him remaining hopeful for the eventual realization that she was worth so much more than what she gave herself credit for.  She wasn't one to tolerate labels or generalizations, and had made it her life mission to push every boundary she encountered.  Aside from being known for her perfect 4.0, everyone in their school knew she'd sleep with any guy who gave her the time of day, something that made her smile when those who accused her of being too sexually advanced for her age also realized it was a difficult task to accomplish.

          "Hey Damien," Tiffany said as she plopped into his best friend Dylan's lap, who was sitting directly beside him.

          "Hey," he responded, immediately chomping down on his back teeth as Tiffany leaned into Dylan and whispered something in his ear.  Dylan's eyes widened and he let his hand rub further up her thigh, getting dangerously close to slipping under the hem of her mini skirt.

          She jumped up suddenly, leaving Dylan's mouth agape in confusion as she made her way through the french doors into the exposed living room, laying her charm on another hopeful and willing victim.

          "Damn, she makes me crazy," Dylan spoke softly, more to himself than Damien.

          He quickly arose and followed after her, leaving Damien by himself to smoother in his own silent rage.  He watched as Dylan approached Tiffany, who was now splayed out on the poker table that was surrounded by six serious male players who were gladly accepting the interruption.

          He could hear a few cheers of "Strip!  Strip!  Strip!" beginning to echo through the room, and he felt his muscles tighten in sickening bitterness as he struggled to control the fury aching to burst out of him.  He couldn't allow her to expose herself so openly to a roomful of pathetic and drooling strangers.  Sure, they were classmates, many of which she'd been with intimately, but if she did this, she was coming face-to-face with a whole new level of embarrassment and shame, a level that only God knew how it would affect her.

           She stood upright on the table and taunted the crowd, encouraging their enveloping chant.  Even Dylan had taken a front row seat and looked up, licking his lips in anticipation.  She began to reach around herself, pulling her already transparent lace shirt up over her head to allow an unobstructed view of her gorgeous upper body.  He'd often fantasized about that body, and although the sexually-driven male inside him longed to see more, the moral, sympathetic side of him pushed out of the chair and sprinted inside.  It wasn't about being a hero or her savior; he cared for her, loved her, even with all her baggage and her sordid past.  When he reached her, she was beginning to unzip her skirt, though its smallness didn't leave much to the imagination while it still remained on her.

          "Tiffany!" Damien shouted over the loud, bumping bass driving the music that circled around the room.

          She looked down and winked at him, thinking he was egging her on.  "Hey there!  Liking the show?" she teased.  She started to tug her skirt down and Damien felt his pulse quicken, knowing he had to act now or everyone was going to get a full-on view of Tiffany's goods.

          "Stop!" he yelled at her, pleading in his eyes for her to just get down and away from here.

          A couple guys, Dylan included, shot him hateful glares, and Tiffany yanked her skirt down to the ground with a mischievous grin, unveiling her matching lace panties.  Without thinking, his instincts took over and he reached up and grabbed hold of her calves.  With all his might, he yanked her downwards, and she stumbled forward, right into his arms.

           "What the fuck are you doing?!" she yelled, as the crowd booed and the music changed to something more dancey.  She struggled against his stronghold, but he situated and pinned her under his left arm as he snatched up her clothes.  He fought against the still-angry crowd and her almost naked body as he dragged her through the party into a more secluded room.

her.

          As the bedroom door banged shut behind them, he finally released his grip on her and she flung herself away from him.  He dropped her clothes on the ground beside her, but she wasn't about to give into him and do what he wanted her to.  She was livid.  She was boiling over and was so afraid to turn around and confront him, unsure if she'd be able to control her anger with him.  She liked Damien, a lot, and although he'd been one of the few guys who she'd yet to get with, this was making her think failing at her goal all because of him was almost worth it.

          "Tiffany, what were you thinking?"

          She spun around, knowing she'd yet to compose herself, but unwilling to let him speak to her as if she were a child.

          "I was thinking I wanted to liven up the damn party!  I was thinking I'm a grown ass woman and can do what I damn well please!  I was THINKING how is any of this your fucking business?"

          Her chest was heaving up and down and she fought to catch her breath.  Damien had taken a few steps backward, palms out in a sign of apology and surrender, but it didn't matter to her.  She knew it'd be very difficult to accept any apology he might offer.

          "Look," he spoke slowly, licking his dry lips, "I wasn't saying it's my business what you do.  I just," he paused, seemingly searching for the right words to say, "I didn't want all those people looking at you like some dirty skank!  I was trying to help you maintain some dignity."

          "It's not your place to decide that!" she yelled back.  "And who gives a shit what people think of me or how they perceive me?"

          "I do," he whispered, pain written all over his face.

          For some unknown reason, his response shocked her, and she found herself stepping toward him, being drawn to him unlike she'd ever been to anyone before.  In the past, her attention was captivated simply by physical attraction.  It wasn't like Damien wasn't a handsome guy, he just never expressed any interest in the attention that she was ready and willing to give.  But at this moment, she was seeing him in an entirely new way, and she couldn't quite understand what had suddenly clicked within her.

          It was true, Tiffany had been with almost every guy in her graduating class, and she'd always viewed it as an accomplishment.  Her family knew she was promiscuous, and she was always safe, so what real threat did her actions pose?  Many thought she'd made a name for herself, but labels didn't mean jack shit to her.  Along with being a slut, as so many people referred to her, she was also the smartest person in her small-town school's history.  She'd had a perfect 4.0 since kindergarten, never failing a single assignment in her entire life.  She wasn't a genius or anything, but school was something that came easily to her.  So when she hit high school, she needed a challenge, something to keep her occupied and sure to enjoy every minute of the time set out before her.  She told herself she'd get with every guy in her grade by graduation.  In what way, it didn't matter.  The only rule she had was that she'd never be with a guy who was already spoken for, and she kept true to that 100%.  To many, and especially those who knew why she did what she did, she was immoral and deemed a sex addict.  But she knew that this was yet another thing she was good at.  She did love sex, who the hell didn't, but she also loved accomplishing her goals and pushing people's buttons.  This was just another way for her to stick out as the success she was.

          Damien watched as she got closer to him and he looked nervous.  Tiffany was hoping to put a little fear in him, but all she really wanted was to understand why he looked at her so much differently than everyone else.

          "Why?" she finally asked, as she stopped only inches from him.

          "Um, why what?  Why do I care?"

          She nodded her head in acknowledgment and tried to make her face less harsh, more open to listening to the puzzling answer she was sure to come.  She expected some sort of stalker-ish answer like, "I want you all to myself," or "I've been secretly watching for you months and want you to become my girlfriend."  The thoughts repulsed her, any idea of a relationship, being tied down, not something that had ever appealed to her.

          "I care because you're a person, not some sex bot.  I can get how maybe you like sleeping with all those guys.  Trust me, if I had girls throwing themselves at me like guys do to you, I probably couldn't resist it either, but..." he trailed off, relaxing and taking a small step forward, immediately putting her back on-guard, "I don't think that's really the person you are inside.  I'm sure you have some reason for why you've done what you have, not that any of it is a bad thing.  I mean, you should be allowed to live your life however you want.  I'm just saying, you are more than just sex and a slutty attitude."

          "Says who... you?  You don't know me."

          "O-of course I do," he stuttered.  "You're that girl in fourth grade who saved her gerbil from an untimely death.  You're that chic from seventh grade who picketed in front of the school cafeteria for a week because they refused to provide an additional vegetarian menu for students who didn't eat meat.  You're that girl from ninth grade who helped me with my biology homework every Thursday after school for the entire semester because I couldn't understand that teacher's German accent."

          She laughed out loud and then clamped her hand over her mouth, trying desperately to show no emotion towards the memories he ignited within her.

          He looked down for a moment and then softly said, "You're the girl who scraped me up off the ground outside school our junior year, after I got into a huge fight with my best friend Jared.  You walked with me to my house and told me that everything would be okay."

          She fought back tears as she remembered how much their lives had intersected for so long.  But instead of allowing herself to get lost in the girl she used to be, she spat at him, "Yeah, and what have you done for me?  Where were you when I needed someone to save me from myself."

          As she spoke the words aloud, something within her snapped and she realized that what she had been doing wasn't something to be proud of.  Challenging oneself to a contest where the winner has the most notches on their bedpost wasn't something she would proudly put on a resume or offer up as a prideful time in her life to her future children.  Before she could think any deeper, he spoke to her again.

          "You're right... I haven't been there in the way you probably needed.  But I've always been here, waiting for the day when maybe you'd stop this foolishness and realize that you are worth more than a few one-night stands or crazy stripping sessions.  You're an amazing person, Tiffany, and I've never known how to tell you before.  I've been scared that you'd reject me and push me away.  I've been unsure of how to approach you because I didn't want you to think I was just another one of those people judging you.  I've just been waiting in the background until you noticed me."   He paused and she looked at him, really looked at him, and saw the boy who used to share their seat on the bus during elementary school.  She saw the boy who stood up to bullies for her during their first year of middle school.  She glimpsed the boy who hit puberty and began growing and changing into a cute guy during their freshman year, but who she knew would never take her up on her inappropriate advances, so she'd always just written him off.  She finally really saw the guy he was now, the one who had become her hero to her helpless damsel in distress.

Part Two to come next week!!

That girl

                “He was so mad at me and I tried to tell him that I did nothing wrong.”

                I paused and furrowed my brow, trying to convey the confusion I was experiencing in my own mind on my face, “Um, hon, but you did do something wrong… you cheated on him.”

                She flipped her hair over her shoulder, in the way she’d been mastering since middle school, and looked at me like I was crazy.  “Psh, come on, it totally wasn’t like that.  That dude came onto me and I was just being nice.”

                “So nice that you felt the need to practically swallow his tongue in a roomful of your, and his, closest friends?”

                “You make it sound like I cheated cheated, which I totally didn’t.”

                I turned around and walked away from her.  The questions, “Why am I friends with you?” and “Are you fucking retarded?” ran through my mind in rapid succession, but all I could do was grab both sides of my face with my tensed hands and draw them angrily and roughly down my cheeks.  I had met that point of livid enragement.  I was experiencing what is often known as “seeing red,” and mostly because I considered myself friends with this girl.

                “Why are you so mad, anyway?” she asked as if she didn’t really care what my answer was.

                I whipped around and faced her, finally ready to air every, single reason why my boiling rage had finally met the point of eruption.

                “You honestly have no idea, do you?”

                She raised her eyebrows at me, plastered a look of “Um, what the hell are you talking about?” onto her smug face, and pulled up the side of her mouth into a sarcastic smirk while she shook her head.

                I wanted to scream, right into her face.  I wanted to reach over and smack her so hard that, literally, the idiocy and utter stupidity that resided in between her ears went flying out onto the floor.  I wanted to relieve her, and quite frankly me too, from having to go through this conversation.  So many times I had to suffer her drama secondhand, listening and commenting in understanding tones and murmurs about every, single, little thing.  I was so done that I could barely stand still long enough to get out what I needed to say.  I felt the urge to pace and pull at my own hair and yell obscenities into her dumb, make-up caked face.  But, I sat down on the edge of the futon and put my head between my knees.

                “What the hell is wrong with you,” she said, tone dripping with malicious rancor.

                “You are such a dumb bitch, you literally make my brain hurt.”

                I looked up just as she jerked back, an expression of utter insult and shock registering on her face.  But I wasn’t allowing her to stop me now.

                “But that’s not even the half of it.  You are twenty years old and you’ve never done a single, independent thing for yourself.  Ever.  You expect everyone else to fall at your feet and take care of you or do things for you, and when things don’t go your way, you flip out, as if you’re entitled to the kindheartedness that others bestow upon you, though you do absolutely nothing to actually deserve it.  People fall into your trap of lies and fake nicety, and when they realize how pathetic you truly are, the ones that feel they can brave it out only stick around because they feel bad for you… they are too afraid to leave you be because they know how truly alone and incompetent you are.”  I paused, allowing my lungs to refill with air before I continued.  While I gave myself a nanosecond to think, I realized the harshness of my words.  I started to stop myself, but I understood at that moment that if I didn’t say what I need to say and what she needed to hear, no one would ever get this opportunity to enlighten her ever again.  And I would be stuck in an unhealthy and frankly, slowly dwindling but quickly regrettable friendship for the rest of my life.  I had talked myself out of this for so long and no matter what anyone else said, if I didn’t save myself, for once in my life, I would never be able to forgive myself for not doing her any good.  I honestly didn’t care if I came out looking like the bad guy… that’s what happens when you’re an adult and you take responsibility for things.

                I continued, “You want people to trust you and love you, but all you ever do is walk all over them.  And, and…” I began to raise my voice a bit, “you are such a child.  You want all this responsibility and encouragement but WHAT have you done to deserve it?  Huh?  Not a single, damn thing!  You got pregnant at fifteen, had an abortion, got pregnant at nineteen, decided to keep the kid, got into a relationship with a drug dealer, really hon, a drug dealer, cheated on the father of your child, not once but twice, and now that you’re single, you’d rather get another piercing or tattoo then provide shelter or food for your own child!”

                “My child does have shelter and food –”

                I cut her off, “Yeah that your father, his grandfather provides!  You don’t have a job, but the money you do get, probably as an allowance from your daddy or from whatever illegal activities you don’t think are inappropriate, you don’t spend on the things that are necessary.”

                “But I need to let my hair down sometimes!  I need to act my age and have fun, too!  It can’t always be boring and the hard stuff!”

                I yelled at her, “Are you SERIOUS?!  You lost your freedom and childhood when you gave birth and decided not to give the kid up for adoption!  There’s no more partying, there’s no more childish nights out with the girls, there’s no more time to get high and neglect your duties!  Wake the fuck up and realize that life has hit you full force in the chest and it’s time you step up and act like the adult you want to be treated as.  You are a parent first, and there are no exceptions!  Ever!  Get that into your dumb ass skull!”

                “Stop calling me dumb and stupid!  I’ve managed to keep my child alive and healthy for this long, and not just anyone can do that!”

                “Sweets, haven’t you seen Teen Mom?  Seriously?  You honestly want me to sit here and encourage your absurd pathological tendencies?  Well look elsewhere because I know that that kid, if left entirely in your own care, should’ve be taken to DCS, like yesterday!”

                “What the hell ever!” she retorted back at me, “You have NO idea what you’re talking about!”

                “No, you are deranged.  You have no idea what you’re talking about.  I’m so done with supporting your lies, your stories, pretending that I don’t know when you aren’t telling me the truth, making you feel okay for keeping things from me.  You consider me your best friend, well I’m pretty sure you treat me like shit and I’m also pretty sure you aren’t supposed to treat the people you love and care about like that.  I’m so done with you.  I’m so done with this and I hate that I’ve wasted so much of my life on trying to be there for you.  This is so completely useless.  You’ll never change.  I’ll wake up one day, ten, twenty years down the line, turn on the TV to see you or your child on Maury or Dr. Phil.  You’ll be like that mom that the kid and his friends hate because she is still trying to act like she’s in high school, when really, she’s fifty, wrinkly, disgusting, and pathetic!  Get a clue, would you?”

                I abruptly stood up from the futon and turned to leave.

                “You know,” she practically whispered, “I don’t know why I was ever friends with you either.  All you’ve done is make me feel like crap about myself.  No one else ever does that to me.”

                I stopped and looked over my shoulder.  Part of my wanted to run to her and say I was sorry for being mean, that I didn’t mean it, I was just angry.  But the part of me that eventually won out, it told me that I was being honest with her the first time in our friendship and that I needed away from her like a hunted prey needs a good hiding spot.

                “You know,” I said sarcastically back at her, “I may make you feel like crap, and I may be the only way that makes you feel that way, but I’m also the only one that’s stuck around you for this long.  Haven’t you ever noticed how all your other friends, the ones that always have an excuse to not hang out or never answer your calls… those friends, haven’t you noticed that they all avoid you?  Haven’t you noticed that they disappear quickly after you become so called ‘friends?’  Listen to me, and hear me, if you hear nothing else… I’ve done you a favor today.  I’ve handed a prime opportunity to accept the truth of what I’ve said.  If you choose to do nothing, then you are as stupid, stuck-up, and childish as I’ve always known you to be.  If you heed what I’ve said and maybe make some serious changes in your life, I’ll be looking forward to a big fat thank you in the near future because your life will be a completely new experience for you.  One that you might actually enjoy, and one that everyone might actually want to be a part of with you.”