a minute or two of randomness

Since we last met, I've lost another 5 pounds, whoopie, bringing my total up to 33 pounds GONE!  Hopefully, those suckers won't ever be coming back!!  It's the first time since high school (roughly 17 years old) that I've weighed under 180 pounds!  I'm totally stoked about it, but I am still struggling to accept that I'm only averaging 5 pounds per month.  My initial goal was 62 pounds in 9 months (meaning September of this year) but it doesn't look like that's gonna happen.  So I've adjusted my expectations, and decided I don't care how long it takes, I'm going to hit my weight goal of 150 no matter what.  On that note... the base is doing a 4th of July celebration like they do every year, but this year they're including a 5K COLOR RUN!!!  I've never done a 5K, let alone a color run, so I'm SUPER stoked - two firsts at once :)  The hubs and I are gonna do it together, yes he's actually going to go at MY pace, which makes me super happy.  I know it's about the fun and the experience, not the speed/time, but I really hope to run/jog the entire thing... NO WALKING is my goal!!  We're going to get our fancy white shirts this week and I'm gonna mark 'em up with the date and event name... I'm assuming since it's a free thing they won't have the typical "color run" swag, so I'm gonna make my own :)

 

Aside from getting to celebrate Independence day with exercise, possibly trying out that climbing wall, some tasty food booth noms and FIREWORKS, it means we're only two days away from our trip to MALTA!!  We're going the 6th through the 9th and I cannot friggin wait!!  We'll be staying on the sister island of Gozo, which I hear is the "older people's" section, which is exactly what I'm hoping for!  My intention is to spend as much time on the beach/in the Mediterranean as we can and maybe get in some time walking the islands and seeing the ancient ruins all over!  We're also going to spend one half day doing a boat tour of nearby caves/lagoons and possibly some snorkeling!

We're staying at the Grand Hotel - check it out HERE - and we'll hopefully get to see some of the awesome places listed HERE, HERE, and HERE!  I honestly don't think that 3 days will be enough!  If we like it a bunch, maybe we'll go back again before we leave Italy next year??

That being said... I just couldn't wait for my chance of soaking up the sun, so this past Saturday (June 21) we went on a boat tour of Croatia, well a tiny portion of Croatia that is.  For those of you who don't know your European geography, which I'll admit, I didn't know that Croatia existed until I moved here (I opted out of World Geography when I was in high school... sorry Ms. Baier :D)... here's some visuals for you:

As you can see, the entire country of Croatia is in red, and we didn't really even delve into a slight portion of it... but it was fun and beautiful - honestly I've NEVER seen water so blue, so clean, and so CLEAR!  It was wonderful.  I'm going to upload pics in a few days and I'll be sure to share with all of you :)  Until then, here's a panorama I took with my cell phone of the city of Rovinj (or Rovingo in Italian)...

Until next time...

bleh.

This past month I only lost 4 pounds...

whhooooppie  :/

I've totally lost whatever small desire I did have to run whilst I've been back home... I've been doing it, but it's been even more challenging.  I want to eat all day, drink sodas, and not cook healthy meals, mainly because the bad way is easier, but also because I'm craving greasy foods and sugary foods more so than I have in the past few months.  I have been going on long walks with the pooch as an alternative to expending larger amounts of energy while running; if I can burn 500 calories in an hour walking instead of 400 calories in 35 minutes by jogging, I'm going the easier route... that's sort of the mentality I've had lately.

I've also not been writing things down, at all.  This is the first time I've visibly created something with words other than a grocery list since I've been back in Italy.  I don't know what it is about this place, but it just doesn't breed a productive environment for me.  I'd much rather binge watch House of Cards and Six Feet Under while knitting away.  As is the title of this blog... bleh.

I'm planning trips for the next few months, Croatia in June, Malta in July, Paris in August... at least that's the hope.  I've got to dig around/move the funds to accommodate my desire to travel while we're still here, but I really wanna do it.  I don't want to leave here (Italy), not sure if we're staying overseas and think, "Damn I wasted my time here by not going anywhere!"  At this point, it's a matter of if the hubs can get off from work or not.  Playing the waiting game is only gonna make the trip more expensive, what with last minute reservations, but if I at least get two of the three trips done in the next six months, I'd say that's way more productive in the travel department than we've been lately.

I already don't want to type anymore so I'm out.  Hoping I'll do something on here by month's end.

Until next time...

all good things...

come to those who wait?  NO - they come to those who work for it.  And although my progress isn't progressing as quickly as one might hope for, I AM making something happen, which I guess is what really matters.  Five more pounds gone, bringing my total weight loss up to 23 pounds!  Ideally, I'd love to lose 7 pounds this month, bringing me to an even 30 by mid-May, but I'll just see what happens with the effort I continue to put in.  I've already made stipulations for myself, like I'm not going to starve and I'm going to eat what I want when I want, maintaining as close to 1200 calories per day as I can (making substitutions where I really don't notice a difference: light butter/sour cream/cream cheese/cheese, turkey bacon/burgers/sausage, brown rice, water with every meal - things of that nature).  I won't be miserable, and I thoroughly enjoy putting tasty stuff in my mouth!  All in moderation is my motto!  With that in mind, I know I could cut more weight if I drastically changed my eating habits, but I look at it this way:  if I want to keep this off for good, continue to lead a healthy lifestyle, I need to start habits that I will maintain.  I could go vegan, never eat sweets, learn to love flax seed and whey (bleh!) but as soon as that weight's gone, I'll just pick up where I left off.  I'm not looking for a quick fix or a miracle here, I'm looking for changing my habits for the good while still being able to enjoy the good things in life, like cake, and doritos, and pepsi... just not all day, everyday.

I got myself a Polar heart rate monitor/watch thingy and it's nice to see that I've actually been burning more calories than I thought.  Plus, seeing those calories tick off has been lending to me working out for longer periods of time.  I usually only run 30 minutes exactly, no matter if I've hit the 3 mile mark or not.  But with the watch, I find myself going more for higher calorie kill, meaning I go for like 45 minutes to an hour and it's good with me.  Let's not get ahead of ourselves and think I've made some leap and bound in the 'LOVING' it department, because I haven't.  It's the hardest part of my day, everyday.  I still feel like it's a massive waste of my time, even if I AM losing weight.  I hate the effort I have to put in, the sweat that rolls down my neck and underboob... it's all very not fun for me.  I have been able to find the slightest bit of solace in those last few minutes of a jog though; the beginning, when your muscles are all tense and taught and screaming at you to stop, those are the hardest minutes... and that time in the middle when you've convinced yourself you've done enough, you can quit early - those are rough.  But those last few minutes, when I'm able to push myself through the final quarter mile, I've learned that I can grant myself a tiny bit of pride in having accomplished something I hadn't been able to do only months before.  I know I've come a long way.  I may give myself too much credit, especially since I can only run a 17 minute mile, and maybe I should be pushing myself harder rather than being content to go slowly, but I don't care.  I'm burning calories, I'm sticking to what I said I would, and I'm okay with the way things are going for me.

Again, not getting crazy and thinking I'm coming around to this... and don't think I'm telling myself I can't enjoy it either as some stick it to the active-lifestyle-junkies... it's not my thing and it never really will be.  I think what I am realizing though - I can do it even if I don't enjoy it.  I've always had the mindset, "do what you love, love what you do," and while I maintain that mantra in pretty much every other aspect of my life, I realize for this... I don't love what I'm doing, but I love what it's doing for me.  Call it an epiphany or a miracle, whatever.  All I know is I like losing weight, I like my clothes not fitting (in a good way, aka too big for me), I like the pride my husband feels for my accomplishments, I like the compliments and words of encouragement from others.  I don't know what made this time different, trying to lose weight, but four months ago when I stared myself down in the mirror and told myself that I WAS doing this and I WAS going to see it through to the end, I've not once thought of quitting.  I've thought about how miserable I am and how I wish I didn't have to do this, but something inside me this time around just knew that I needed this for me, for my relationship, for my health.

Anyway... enough of this peppy bullshit - I've been writing a bunch, pretty close to finishing my second book.  I got through the hardest part, which was the research section for my hunters.  I've always been a firm believer in writing things that could be realistic.  Obviously succubi aren't real, but everything else about my book, I want to be believable and plausible, which is why I base so much of it on actual people and places and objects and events, just with twists.  Anyway... I'm in the homestretch, I think, and I'm hopefully going to go right into the third book when this one is done - no break this time.  I'm at least going to write the first half of it before I even publish the second book, although it's about two years behind my original deadline I set for myself, I want to make sure I actually finish this series more than I want to share it with everyone.  If you're eager, my apologies for keeping you waiting for so long.  It'll happen, I just hit a snag is all.  I certainly hope I'm over it; I'm finding it MUCH easier to just pick up and write at any moment.  I find inspiration in the oddest places and at the oddest times, which is actually a bit of a relief.  Before, I wasn't seeing anything anywhere, I was avoiding it - but now my mind is so much more open to seeing things from a different perspective, providing me so many jumping off points for my own imagination to take over!

Alright, enough positivity... I gotta go listen to some depressing music or something, get me back to normal ;)

Until next time...

fiction.

Most of the time, the world of fiction can be freeing, liberating, desired.  Sometimes it can call out to you, provide you with an escape from reality, give you a much needed distraction.  Then...

there are days like today.

When fiction can be so overwhelming you can't withdraw from it, you can't or don't want to return to what's right in front of you.  I read, a lot. I write, I watch shows and movies. I have a fantastic life, so I'm not trying to escape a world I don't enjoy... but I do have a very active imagination.  And when I can't contain that energy anymore, I do whatever I need to do to drain it from inside me - whether that be create my own or revel in someone else's.  But there comes a point when your heart hurts for fictional beings more than real ones or you get so immersed in a pretend world you find it occupies every extraneous thought.

It hurts.  It's an affliction.  It's all-consuming.

I wonder if there's a word for it... book coma, fiction overdose?  Word depression? Who knows...

All I do know is: when a book becomes too close to reality, when real-world problems and outcomes litter the pages, it's even worse. I think it's brave of the writer, something I don't know if I'm capable of doing to my own fantasy world and made-up characters.  But as a reader it is heartbreaking and sad and hard and brings me to tears.

That's where I'm at. I'll give myself a few days to process and recuperate, but then I'll move on... on to the next. Because I'm a lover of reading, of fantasy, of imagination, of fiction.

Until next time...

private.

So I'm currently supposed to be packing... my mother is moving and I've graciously volunteered to be her moving service, even extended my stay to help out.  But all I wanna do is write and read.  Isn't that funny how when I've got all the time in the world to create I don't want to, but the second I have to dedicate my time to something substantial, all I wanna do is sit around and write.  Anywho... hope you enjoy this because it's certainly helping me to delay the inevitable :)



          With a slight twist of her head, she caught the guy at the next table staring at her.  She allowed herself a small smile at his expense, especially when he fumbled with himself to act as if he hadn't been watching her.  She reached for her steaming cup of tea and took a quick sip, allowing it's heat to warm her, seeings how the cold winter wind was in fierce force that day.  She enjoyed it when men stared.  She knew she had beautiful features about her: dark chestnut hair to her waist, big green eyes, glorious white teeth, plump, inviting lips, a long slender neck.  She didn't let it get to her head, but she knew that she was the object of many men's affection.
          She chanced another glance in his direction and although he wasn't looking at her that time, she could see the struggle on his face, she assumed with whether or not to come and ask to join her in her solitary state.  She managed an internal laugh, because she was anything but solitary.  With that thought, a warm, heavy hand was placed on her shoulder, dragging her out of her own head and smiling up at the gorgeous face that was the owner of that welcome touch.
          He leaned down and placed a soft kiss on her lips, one she felt was too short lived, before sitting across from her.
          "Why'd you choose to sit outside today?" he asked as he wrapped his coat and arms closer to his slightly shivering body.
          That brought a bigger smile to her face, "Why not?" she responded.
          He craned his neck, searching for a waitress and almost as if on cue, she emerged from inside the little cafe with a tray carrying a large cup of coffee.
          "Here's your usual," she mumbled as she placed the hot ceramic mug on the table in front of him.
          He managed a small, "Thank you," as she fluttered off and he brought the welcome liquid to his lips.
          She watched his every move: the way his fingers maneuvered through the tiny handle, his eyes as they focused intently on closing the distance between him and his mug, his lips as they parted and accepted the warmness against his tongue.  It was all she could do not to rip the cup away and wish it was her he was focused on so intently.  Another laugh rose to the surface, this one outward, and his eyes curiously darted up to her.
          "What's so funny?" he asked, an unknowing smile playing at his lips too.
          She let out a puff of semi-frustrated air and teased, "Oh nothing... just wishing I was that coffee right now."
          He let the smile take surface on his face as he set the mug down and reached across the table for her.  She mirrored him, giving him her open hands and allowing him to latch onto her.
          "Well let's get out of here then," he whispered, intensity overtaking his features, a smoldering passion immediately igniting in his gaze.
          She needed no other convincing, reaching for her wallet and being quickly scolded by him.
          "Seriously?" he mumbled, pulling out a ten and sliding it under his still-filled cup.
          She chuckled, knowing the move to pay for herself had been futile, but still attempting to show him that she was capable of taking care of herself.
          When they'd risen and began their walk to her apartment around the corner, she comfortably slipped her arm through his; it was a motion she did automatically, any excuse to touch him something they were both okay with.  The action pulled his thoughts only to her and while they moved forward, he turned his head slightly and placed a light kiss on the top of her head.
          She smiled, though he couldn't really see it, and nuzzled against him.  She was one of those people who could suddenly be overcome with an overflowing emotional response to the smallest actions.  Most of her moments with him always brought her happiness.  Right then, in that moment, something so simple, that light kiss, that small graze of his skin against hers, it was her version of perfection.  Not that she shied away from other encounters with him, ones that she hoped they'd be experiencing very soon and many more times throughout the evening, but the little things were what mattered the most to her: how he woke her with a gentle stroke of her cheek; the slight glance in her direction just to watch the smile appear on her face, one that he probably put there; the softest brush of elbows as they sat beside each other on the train; the tiny kisses he placed on each of the freckles along the bridge of her nose.
          When they reached her building, she led him inside, eagerly awaiting the moment when they would get to focus on one another in a much more intimate setting.  His face bore every emotion floating through him, every intention he had for her and she craved him in every way.  As the door to her apartment shut behind them, the possibilities were endless and only the two of them would ever know those sides of each other.

feelings and stuff

          I had quite the shitty day yesterday; well actually it was just about 20 minutes of yesterday that was shitty.  Isn't that weird?  How your entire day can be fine, save for a few choice minutes, and you automatically erase the goodness and let the badness take it over... Nonetheless, I broke down and had a moment.  One of many moments I've had throughout my life where I'm overcome with frustration and anger and annoyance and my tear ducts react by sending me into unstoppable crying.  This wasn't the violent, sob-filled bawling or anything, but it was enough that once it started, it just kept coming.  It felt good to unload that, as if I'd been unknowingly holding it in for who knows how long - I just hate that it always has to burden my loved ones.  I know that they are there for me for this exact reason, well for many reasons, this is just one.  But here I am, an ocean away, by choice mind you, from my husband, and we're having a perfectly fine conversation and then I just turn.  I allow my own insecurities and anger and unhappiness with one particular aspect of my life to consume me so wholly that I just explode it all over him.  As always he's understanding and caring and calm and loving and gentle with me, still firm that to accomplish what I've set out for myself takes hard work and harder work, but he tries to get where I'm coming from.  The overall feeling was definitely that of frustration and looking back on it today I realize, as I often do the morning after an emotional outburst, that I probably overreacted.  I dunno if it's because I'm the "feely" type, which I totally am, or if it's because I'm weak-willed or easily breakable or overly-expectant but when it comes to changing ME, I always feel so incompetent.
          I've experienced hard things in my life, but for whatever reason, weight loss and lifestyle change is a difficult one.  I'm still making progress - I don't think I've hit a plateau, and I hope to stay on the path of success here, but I feel like nothing about me has changed.  Okay, the obvious, OBVIOUSLY - the fact that I can last for a solid thirty minutes of jogging, I can limit my caloric intake to under 1500 a day, I feel a little more defined (biceps, calves, core - inner not outter)... but that's it.  I don't see a difference and when I think too hard on what I do to myself every day, I immediately hate it.  I DO NOT enjoy physical activity One. Freaking. Bit.  I do not think, "Holy shit that was an amazing workout!  I feel so great!" ever.  EVER.  I KNOW it's only been 3 months, I get that, and there's no written rule that says you HAVE to love being fit and healthy, but I don't know a single person who is fit and healthy that seriously doesn't enjoy it.  It's not even that what I'm doing is too painful or hard or long.  I know I CAN lift that weight or jog those miles or pull on that rowing machine or do those Russian twists... I don't mind the struggle or the pain behind what I'm doing.  I hate the act of doing it.  I feel like I'm wasting precious moments of my life doing something I thoroughly do not enjoy.  I feel like my efforts will not be enough.  I feel like it's gonna take me ten years to get where I want, and then when I do, it'll be time for babies and all that weight will come right back.  And then what was that struggle and effort and time for?
          I know I sound like a whiny brat, I get that.  I hate people like me in this moment, but I'm sure I'm not the only one out there who absolutely loathes fitting a workout into Every. Single. Day.  I'm sure I'm not the only one who's capable of limiting her food intake, but still starving when her head hits the pillow at night.  I'm sure I'm not the only one who wishes that it came easier.  Again, this isn't for pity... it's for those of you who may be in the same boat as me.  Thinking that no one can possibly understand the utter distaste left in your mouth after cardio.  Those of you who think that lifting that kettlebell is one more swing that will amount to nothing in the end.  Those of you who, even though you may see a slight difference in the fit of your jeans, still only see rolls and fat and flab and thickness everywhere you look.  I understand.  I know this takes time, trust me, and I've lost weight in these past three months, I have, but it's not even about the weight in this moment.  It's about the fact that no matter what I try, I hate it.  Even when I know I feel those endorphins kicking in, when I do manage a small smile at the accomplishment I've made, it's not for the act of what I'm doing, it's simply because I got through it and it's over.
          Ugh.  Okay, I'm done.  I'm over it.  I'll move on and get through it.  I have no intentions of quitting, I will make my goal weight, no matter the hatred I have for getting there... so this complaining is entirely futile, I realize.

In other news... I have started writing out loud again!!  It's so weird where inspiration can come from.  I was watching some random detective drama on TV, passing the time while dinner was cooking, and there was this scene where this couple's daughter had been kidnapped.  The mother was crying and trying to tell the detective details she was asking for, and then it just became too much for her.  She turned into her husband, and looked up at him and he gently touched her cheek, conveying buckets of emotion, particularly love, so strongly in just that tiny touch and it rocked me a bit.  Kudos for that actor guy there, but seriously, the show of love, of adoration and affection in just a simple touch.  And the way she melted into it and fell into him entirely, it was incredible.  And I sat there thinking, wow... that's something I hope to achieve with my writing one day.  And just like that, I was up, grabbing my computer and typing away.  I've been jotting things down here and there over the past few months, as I said I would in my 2014 to-do list, but this was the first time I devoted an entire evening to my world.  And then it came again the next evening and the next.  Now, when I'm not reading someone else's world, I'm constantly thinking about MY story.  It's nice to feel that again.  Speaking of which... I've dedicated entirely too much time feeling sorry for myself in this post so, I'm outtie.  Got some supernatural creatures to go attend to.

Until next time...

Knitted Presents for ALL

In my family, February and March are filled with holidays and birthdays!  I struggle every year to do something fun and new and different, so naturally, they've come to expect it.  Now that I'm a pretty regular knitter, requests have begun rolling in!  A headband with a bow for one person, fingerless gloves for another.  My brother requested Dr. Who themed something and an awesome sweater vest.  I knew I had my work cut out for me, and my first stop had to be ravelry!

I started with the gloves, and found a fantastic pattern that I knew my family member would adore:

Button Flap Fingerless Mittens
http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/button-flap-fingerless-mitts

With a small adjustment of course: adding individual finger separations, but maintaining this same overall design.  So I searched for fingerless gloves, none in particular, and combined the two patterns.  I followed the steps all the way to the thumb hole, and then following the same basic stockinette stitch pattern (in the round of course), I added an extended, covered, but ultimately open-ended thumb.  Then, I did the same thing when I got to the fingers opening.  I will tell you that knitting individual fingerless holes is a pain in the ass, but the end product looked pretty good, in my opinion ;)

Ultimately, I think these ended up looking too bulky for my
taste, but it was exactly what she wanted.  I used a multi-
colored grey/black wool yarn that I picked up for pretty
cheap at Walmart (Lion Brand, I think!)

The next job was the headband.  Now... unfortunately, I don't remember where I found the pattern :( But it was pretty easy and there seem to be an abundance of patterns very similar to this on ravelry and all over the internet.  I'm still new at blogging about my knitting, so I have adjustments to make, but I will make more of an effort from here on out to track every step in my process!!  Here is a pic of the end result (pardon my chubby face and the crappy cell phone quality)!




The next undertaking was the vest.  I spent a very long time finding just the right pattern and style for my brother, but thanks to my tried and true friend (pssst... that means ravelry), I did find something that was both challenging and looked great!

HERE is the direct link to the pattern, because it takes some searching to find this exact one.  That being said, the original creator is Japanese so there are a few little inconsistencies and confusions.  And note that this is done almost entirely by chart so this would really help you learn how to read one, if you're up for the task!  Hopefully I can enlighten here and help you out somewhat:

First - I hardly ever use the yarn and size that a pattern says.  I kinda just do my own thing and gauge as I go along to make sure that everything is working fine.  I'm a rebel, what can I say.
Second - an "armscye"? If looking at the front of the vest, it's the area that starts at the armpit and curves inward up to the top of the shoulder.
Third - the "strip" that goes from the waist, up the chest, around the shoulders, and down the other side which houses the buttons and buttonholes... that's done after everything else has been knitted.  You will be picking up stitches along the edges of your work and knitting onto what you've already completed.  That took me some real figuring out to understand that.
Fourth - I didn't really follow the decreases because they are massively confusing (to me) in the way they are written.  Instead, I looked at the overall stitch numbers and decreased as evenly as I could.  For example:  looking at the back panel.

Hopefully this helps in some way with knitting the vest!  If you have any questions, please ask and I'll do my best to help.  I certainly am not perfect and learn something new everyday.  In any case, I eventually managed to get a completed product, and this is the end result:

Detailed rib pattern :D

This was most definitely the most challenging thing I have done to date.  It could've just been the way the pattern was worded, or it could've been because it's difficult... I dunno.  Ravelry rates it right in the middle on the difficulty scale - do with that what you will.  You may be able to tell from these pictures, but this could definitely use a "blocking."  The front bottom has stretched a bit, because I am a novice blocker and the wearer has tugged at it because it didn't lay correctly.  The best way I've found to do this is with a blocking board.  Other people say not to waste the time/money, but I ordered a cardboard one from amazon for like $10 and I think it'll last me for a while!  I also bought up some T-pins and I repurposed an old febreeze bottle, filled it with water, and that's how I "wet" my completed project after it's been stretched on the board.

Last, but certainly not least, were the requested Dr. Who socks!  I actually saw THIS pattern and fell in love immediately.  I basically just followed the pattern and ended up with a fabulous and vibrant pair of socks that are adored by their owner!!

I hope you've enjoyed checking out my latest ventures.  I hope to have some new projects completed and ready for sharing here very soon!  I think my next post's theme is going to be: hats!

**I do want to say reallll quick - I don't "advertise" for anyone.  I truly adore ravelry because the majority of the stuff they have is free and great!  That is all :)




Until next time...